More changes

Things change to fast some times. I went from thinking we were going to stay where we are for about a year or so to moving this week. Yeah, neck break speed. All of this just when I think things are settling down for us.

For now my problems have taken center stage because they have started causing some problems with the pregnancy. The stress has started some really bad cramping and if it continues I have a good chance of going into preterm labor. This wouldn't be the first time I have gone into preterm labor. It happened when I was pregnant with my son. It is kind of nice to know that the people in my life care about me so much. Jen's family is the most helpful, they are really concerned and want us to move back so they can help me. They are doing what ever they can to help us move.

I started reading a really good book to help me over come some of my abuse problems and I would suggest it to any one. It is a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, it is called "Bad Childhood, Good Life." It has been very helpful. She makes a lot of good points and really makes you think about things. She also points out that going to therapy is not for every one and in a lot of cases it does more harm than good. I know for me it would never work out. The more I talk about what happened the more it hurts, so why would I want to talk about it every week? Dr. Laura talks a lot about these kinds of things in her book. I would suggest reading it to pretty much any one. It isn't just for people who have been beaten or sexually abused. It is for anyone who has had an unhappy childhood.

I am still working on getting past every thing. But I feel like I am on the right track now. I am not going to just be a survivor, I am going to be a victor. Yes, it is a BIG difference. Just think about it for a little bit. You can survive just about any thing, but that doesn't mean you come out on top. The point is to come out on top. You don't want to survive a fight you want to win it. You fight to win not to survive. This is true of any thing in life. You don't want to survive your problems, you want to beat them.

The cool part is the stuff that I have been learning about getting past my problems has really helped Jen with her problems as well. You can take a lot of these things and apply it to dealing with gender identity issues. You don't want to just survive the problems that come with it, you want to come out on top of them. I would actually suggest that you read the book I talked about a little earlier. It is really easy to apply it to your own set of problems. We can all be conquerors if we want to be.

What a load of crap

The past week has been hell and this week hasn't started off any better. My parents have for some reason decided to start talking about my brother a heck of a lot. So I called them on it and my mom decided that she never wants to talk to me again because 'I just can't get over it.' So then I decided to call her to try and get her to understand and she told me that I need to get over it and that she had gone through a similar thing as a child. But she dealt with it all on her own and that is what I should do and stop bugging her with it. After all she got over it why can't I? Well after this little talk with her it has become apparent to me that she hasn't dealt with it at all she is just in another form of denial about the whole thing. Every thing I have looked at about dealing with sexual abuse the people that have truly gotten past it want nothing more than to help others get past it. They want to help heal others of these deep wounds. Her she just wants to put her fingers in her ears and hum loudly.

My dad kept saying that it couldn't have been that bad. So I finally told him in graphic detail what my brother did to me. That was very hard for me, it was the first time I had ever done that. But he still thinks that if I go get some therapy things will be fine rather quickly. I will admit I need to get some professional help but it will still take time.

So both of my parents want to be able to talk about my brother when ever they want even when I am around. I am just not to the point of being able to handle that right now. Why can't they understand that? I have not asked them to disown him or anything like that. I even told them I don't want them to disown him, I just want them to respect my wishes and stop trying to force me. I would also like it if they would own up to the things they did wrong. They could have done things to prevent this and they didn't. For starters they never really taught me about private parts and who was allowed and who wasn't allowed to touch. Then they could have talked to him about not touching his sisters and if he did what would happen to him. Those are the two big things.

I am very hurt that my mother feels that she has to choose one or the other and I'll admit I am even more hurt that she decided to choose my abuser over me. I didn't want her to have to make that choice, but she decided to make it any ways. All I wanted was for them to not talk about him for now. As much pain as this causes me, I am glad I said something. It has made it so that my parents have to deal with this. They now cannot just pretend it never happened. It is something we all have to work through.

Never be afraid to speak up. If you don't stand up for yourself no one else will. No one can help you if no one knows you need help. Some times the cost of speaking up is high but it will always be worth it in the long run. I know I have a lot of things to work out, but I will survive. I have my spouse, kids, and my in-laws to help me. I hope to start some kind of therapy soon as well. I am sure if you look you will find your support as well. You are never alone.

AHHH!!!

Some days I just want to rip all of my hair out and today has been one of those days so far. My mom has been having a lot of back problems and is now wanting to die and to top it all off she is in complete denial of what my brother did to me and my sisters. Thanksgiving she started talking all about how much my son is like the a-hole. My son is nothing like him.

My grandmother called today and started talking about him as well. She was saying how much he is her little baby and always will be. Well she wouldn't be saying that if she knew what he did.

I have also had some self-esteem issues lately as well. It is one of those things that started when I was young. My parents like to point out my faults and never really told me I was pretty. They still do it as well. So I often feel ugly, fat, and unworthy of the love I get. Something that made it worse was on Facebook a "friend" told me that I look like the baby is ready to pop out. I am only 24 weeks along and this is my third that has gone this far along. So I feel pretty crappy.

As for things with Jen well, this is the only place that I refer to her as Jen or even recognize her as female. It is just something I am still not 100% comfortable with yet and with her staying mostly male in this life it is kind of hard to come to terms with. Not only that she still hasn't come to terms with everything herself so it makes it that much harder for me. We try not to worry to much about things and the next life, but it is something that is always there in the back of our heads. I still love her dearly and I am grateful to have someone like her to help me with the hard times.

I am so glad that we decided to make this baby our last. I know I could not do another one and survive it. I may survive physically but mentally I would lose it. I am having a hard enough time with this one. I am sooooo unstable it is craziness. I have to work really hard not to just blow up at people over stupid things. The crazy part is I know that it is stupid but it I still feel very angry or hurt over it. Somethings are a bit bigger and do warrant that kind of a reaction. But it is still hard to keep my cool.

So now that I feel a little better now that I was able to get some of it out, I think I will go have some chocolate and relax a bit.

Up and down and back agian

Things have been going very crazy. Some days I just want to rip my hair out, throw my hands up and scream! This pregnancy has not be easy. My hormones are just running crazy. And with a past like mine it really adds to the mix. I already had problems with my emotions.

Jen and I have been having problems as well with her gender stuff. It has been really crazy. The thing that had me very worried was, how is going to be for us in the next life? Will we still be together? Or will we be pulled apart? I just don't know what will happen. But then I decided that I need to just enjoy what I have now. I can't worry about things that I have no clue about and have no real way of knowing. It is all a matter of faith.

As for my problems, I keep getting very very very depressed. It gets to the point that I can't really pull myself out. I need more help. Thankfully Jen has been so understanding. We had a really good talk about some of my problems and finding out what they really are. It helps when you know what is wrong. Now the problem is fixing it.

One of my problems is that I was not raised with a good self image at all. It has been one of those things when Jen tells me how sexy or beautiful I am I smile but in the back of my head I am thinking "yeah right, your just saying that to get something." I have a hard time really believing it. When I was a kid my parents never really told me I was beautiful but they would point out my faults. My mom would tell me I had a big nose and my dad would tell me how fat I was. Just so you know, when I was 18 I was 5'4" and was about 120-125 lbs and I did work out almost every day. But to my dad I was still fat. He would have liked it better if I was about 110.

How do you fix that kind of thing now? How can I get a better self image now? Is it some thing you can change later in life? Or is it something you must learn at a young age and if you don't are you just messed over? I guess these are questions I am going to have to work through. If you have any suggestions feel free to share.

Not as easy as you think

I know some days I may make accepting Jennifer for who she is sound like it was an easy thing for me. Truth be told it hasn't been easy for me. It has been very hard indeed. But as hard as accepting maybe, being without her would be harder.

Love is the stronger than just about any thing. It has been one of the many things that have kept Jennifer and I together. She has been so good to me I could never do without her. Some times we can't help but joke about it and well as they say "the best kind of man is a woman."

I just found some thing out that is very sad for me. My parents have been married for about 28 years and one of a few reasons my mom hasn't left my dad is, well she feels stuck. She feels like she has no other options open to her. If you have lived with my dad you would understand what a jerk he is. He is a person that has no respect for women at all. The sad part is he has 4 daughters including me. So I feel very blessed with what I have. Even when Jennifer thought she was a man she was very respectful and kind. Her father has a great respect for women and made darn sure all of his sons learned that (he still doesn't fully understand that Jennifer is not a guy, but that's another story).

So even with things being as hard as they are they could be worse. I don't feel like I am stuck with her. I may feel that way at times but never for long. Jennifer means so much to me. I can never see myself without her no matter how bad things may seem at times. Love is a wonderful thing.

Faith Helps

I have been thinking a lot on faith lately. I know that if I didn't have faith in some thing greater than me I would not be able to survive the things I have. The things with Jennifer would have been to hard for me to deal with. I know that I have received the strength I need from a higher power. As Jennifer has mentioned we are LDS. I do firmly believe in Christ and his healing power.

I know that faith is a hard subject for some people. But for me it has helped me and has given me the power I need to get through this life. I know that one day things will be put right. That day may not come in this life, but it will come. Some days it is hard to see and some days I do want to give up. But as long as I do my best to hold on to my faith, it gets me through the hard times. When I fail to keep faith I end up falling into a deep depression that takes me along time to get out of. I have never gotten out of it without faith in Christ to help me out. It is just a reminder for me to have faith.

I don't want you to feel like I am trying to push what I believe on you. But I do want you to know that there is always some one that cares about you. You are not alone in what you are going through. Heck you are looking at proof right now, this blog is proof that you are not alone.

A Leap Of Faith

I am not sure if this has been mentioned before on this blog, but Avril and I are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka Mormons).

There are horror stories all over the internet about how our church mistreats people with gender identity disorder. Supposedly people with such a problem face little, if any understanding, are told they are sinners or that their condition 'comes from the devil' or some such nonsense.

I had a similar experience, but a new thought came into my head today like a light bulb: I hadn't approached the problem in such a way to promote understanding back then, mostly because I didn't understand my own problem at that point either. They treated me like some kind of sinner because I thought of myself in those terms. How could I expect others to be more open minded than I was at that time when the topic of discussion was me?

Since that time I've learned a lot about gender identity issues, how there's a physical cause behind them, how my brain is actually female for whatever reason. I've also found through blood tests and looking at other symptoms that I am partially insensitive to testosterone, which explains why I have a female brain and mixed development elsewhere.

And then I found an entry at the Mormanity blog with this quote:

I recently read your article on transgender issues. I am what many consider trans and I am also a faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am a Male to Female member.

No, I don't have an axe to grind. I thank you for your article! Well written and sensitive. I figured I might be able to shed more light on things.

The true transsexual is not a sexual deviant. I have kept my baptismal covenants and refuse to have sexual relations until I am married. And yes I can legally get married as a female. What happened to me was not a twist of fate...or an act of nature. It happened because my mother took a drug called DES. A drug marketed in the 60s to prevent miscarriage.

That drug was later classified as a mutagen...a teratogen. Translation? It screws with a developing baby to the extent it can alter gender attributes.

We do the best with what we are handed and we are at the whim of the evil designs of man. God did not make this happen to me...but as we both know this world is not a perfect world. If it were perfect...it would not be that good of a test.

Despite the hell I have endured I have chosen to keep the Lord and the church near me. What and who I am is not a contradiction in the terms of the church unless I make it so. For example flaunting it...making a big deal about it or acting immorally. That is why I am sending this to you privately because it is a private matter. My ward does not know about my past except for the RS president...Bishop and Stake pres.

Any way...there you go. If you have questions feel free to ask.

--Sarah

Sarah has the same condition as me, albeit from differing causes (I've asked my mother and she didn't take DES). Her local leaders accepted her as she is, even acknowledging that her spirit is female.

I didn't have the benefit of finding things out as soon as she did, but it proves that the church isn't systemically anti-transsexual. I'm sure if I went to church next Sunday in a dress and heels that there'd be a negative reaction, or that if I called the bishop and told him I was going to get sex reassignment surgery next week without any prior contact on the issue there'd be negative consequences. But that's not how we are supposed to interact with our fellow human beings, blindsiding them like that. They are human too, and their behavior can be seen as a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

I decided to get in touch with my bishop and tell him everything. My history, my medical tests and my spiritual awareness that I have a female spirit. We'll see where it goes, but I figure I at least owe the church an opportunity to not be bigoted before I pass judgement on them and assume they are.

More here as it unfolds :)

Trying to heal the scars

Some days I can almost forget about the abuse from my past. Other days it almost kills me. For me the hardest part has been forgiving. I can't forgive my brother for what he did to me. I can't forgive my parents for not caring about it and for pretending it never happened.

Some times I want to say that I hate my parents for the things they have done. But when thinking about it, it isn't that I hate them. It is that I am very hurt by them and what they have done. They let me down and that really hurts.

Let me clarify by telling my story.

When I was about 5 or so my brother started to sexually abuse me, I will not go into detail on what happened. This went on till I was about 8 almost 9. My parents never found out about what was going on. But then again they never really kept tabs on us kids. I didn't know that any thing was wrong with what was going on, my parents never told me any thing about private parts or things of that nature. It stopped partly because my eldest sister told me about the things my parents should have many years before and then because my brother left home. My brother stopped talking to the family a few years later after he left home.

So I buried this deep inside, I had even forgotten that any thing had happened. Then when I was 16 I was talking with a friend and she had started asking me questions about my sexual history. I then had a total break down. I didn't tell her why. I went home and told my parents about what had happened when I was a kid. My mom never talked to me about it. My dad just would ignore it. Then that year they told me they were trying to get my brother to come see us for Christmas because they managed to get hold of him.

Well at 16 that told me that they didn't care about me. So then I stopped caring about me as well. I got into some pretty bad stuff. My parents never tried to stop any of that either. So I just felt like I was worthless. It wasn't till I met Jennifer that I started to feel like some one cared about me. Of course when I met her we both didn't know she was a she. You will have to read the other posts to understand that one. But any ways because of her I was able to start feeling better about myself.

Now in recent years I have learned that my parents do kind of care about me, they just don't believe me. My dad has told Jennifer that I have been exaggerating and making stuff up. I never had bad feelings toward my brother until my protective shell was broken. I know some people are thinking "well if you didn't 'remember' it till you were 16 how do we know you are really telling the truth?" Well it is actually very common for some one to repress a bad memory so that they don't have to deal with it or feel the pain that comes from the bad memory. You always want to be able to escape pain. Some times it just takes the right smell, word, or experience to trigger the memory.

Some thing else to put with all of this is that my parents won't ask him about it. They are to afraid that if they ask him that he will stop talking to them again. Personally I don't see that as a bad thing. But my mom suffers from what I have started calling "not my mi hijo/hija" (pronounced ho for son ha for daughter) syndrome. And yes that is how it is said, if you ever had lived in El Paso you would know this. That is when some one, normally mothers, don't believe their kid can do any wrong. I have known many mothers with this problem and my mom is one of them. After all he is her baby and how could he do some thing so terrible.

My brother I do hate. My parents, well I don't know if I would say hate but I am very hurt. I don't know if I can forgive them for these things. They have let me down very greatly.

Now I am going to ask that any one that has some thing to say leave a comment. I am open to advice or if you just want to tell your story go for it. Don't be shy I have it so that you can be anonymous if you would like. Thank you all.

Others like me

Just when you think every thing is fine and dandy every one gets sick again! No matter how clean every thing is or how many times I go around with disinfectant wipes every one in the house gets sick. So frustrating. Well enough about that.

Some times it is hard to believe that I am not alone. It is some times easier for me to say that I don't want to talk to any one about it because how could any one understand what I am going through. Well truth of the matter is I am not alone. We are not alone in this. At least we don't have to be. We just need to look a little bit to find one another.

I find that every one deals with our spouses/significant others gender issues or what ever you would like to call it, differently. Some people are trying to look for a quick fix to it. I am sorry to break it to you but it takes time. Some people try to ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist, maybe they are hoping it will just go away. But that doesn't work either.

I am not going to pretend that I know all of the answers to these problems. But I do know that there is not a quick fix and ignoring it won't work it won't just go away. It takes time to learn how to understand. Understanding is the best way. It can be very hard to understand but you need to open yourself up. But if you are not careful you will end up being self destructive and unable to help any one. Trust me on this one, I know from experience.

You need to take care of yourself. We all like to try and help the person we love but if we are not careful we will only end up going crazy. I wasn't taking care of myself and had a total break down. Well more of a shut down. I was totally mentally shut off from every thing. I was there but only in body. So take care of your self. Go take a bath and relax.

Part of the fault is on the person who is suffering from the issues. Your obsession hurts the people that are close to you and want to support you. You can not be so self absorbed. Just ask Jennifer, she was so bad that she had no idea what so ever that any thing was wrong with me. It ended up hurting us both. You need each other to get through these issues. The best thing to do is to take the time to listen and ask how your love is doing and really mean it. Remember together we can get through any thing. Be positive about it and love your self no matter what.

Well darn

Well darn it all! Life has been just plain crazy. I got sick and just couldn't seem to get over it. I was so felt so sick I didn't want to eat a thing. I think it was a bad mix of being sick and being pregnant. Smells got unbearable. Thankfully I am feeling much better.

Things with Jenifer are still a bit crazy. You know, when I first found out about all of her issues I was thinking "oh good maybe now I can get some more understanding from him since he is a she!" Boy was I wrong. Just because he is a she does not mean that she will understand me. Why? Well for many reasons. The first being well she was raised as a boy and didn't get to have any girlie experiences. Second being that even women that were raised as such don't even understand one another. Admit it, you don't fully understand other women. It is something that is just so impossible to do.

BUT, before you try to yell at the computer screen let me say that it is possible to have some understanding. But you have to admit it is only to a point. You can understand how some one can do something but still not understand why. And yes those are two totally different things.

I guess part of my frustration is that I was expecting too much. The other part is that well, not much changed in the understanding department. Part of me feels like she could do better. I feel like she could be a little bit more sensitive to my feelings. Some times she still says things that really hurt me. I have been really worried about the baby for a while and instead of giving me a hug and trying to tell calm down that every thing will be ok, just relax. I just got a 'stop your freaking out or you are going cause a problem.' The difference between the two? Well for starters the comfort of the first helps make a person more willing to listen to you. If you start with the telling them what to do well why should I listen to you you insensitive jerk?!

Yes I know I am ranting. But hey, that is what I started this blog for. Have a nice day:).

Sick days and more

So far every one in the house has been sick but me. I have been the caregiver of three different sick people in the past week. Thankfully they have all been on different days. I just hope that I am not next.

Just to get it out there, I am against abortion. The reason I mention this is because of a magazine article I read today. It has really bothered me. It was in the latest issue of Elle. It was called The Choice. Let me sum up. A woman wants to have another child but not a third, does artificial insemination and gets pregnant with twins. Well that is something that happens a lot when you use fertility drugs. So after she looks at all sorts of different numbers and looks over the budget she decides to have a "selective reduction". What does that mean? Well it means when you get pregnant with more than one child you kill off what ones you don't want. Normally just one of the babies. Draw back is you still get to deliver the dead one when you deliver the one you let live.

I don't have a hard time getting pregnant, I just can't seem to stay pregnant. I have had way too many spiritual experiences with my children, including the ones I miscarried, to do such a thing. With my last miscarriage I went to the doctor to see what was wrong when I was bleeding at seven weeks along. They did an ultrasound, didn't see any signs of bleeding, but they did pick up the heart beat. It was very strong. Two weeks later I lost the baby anyways. I have felt their spirit near me every time I miscarried. I know that their little undeveloped bodies had a spirit in them before they died and I know that they are waiting for me in heaven.

When they do a "selective reduction" they do it between 11 and 13 weeks. So if I was able to hear my baby's heart at seven weeks you can be darn sure you can hear it at 11 weeks. What kind person can really be ok with stopping a heart beat? Can you really be ok with it in the long term of things?

If you plan on having an abortion or a "selective reduction" know this, one day you are going to be faced with that child. You are going to have to look at that angelic face and explain why you didn't want them, why you didn't love them enough to let them live. If you want to kill them I hope you are ready to tell them why.

My advice, don't worry about money or what people think. If you really can't support a child, you have other options. You can have the baby adopted or if you have a willing family member you can give them guardianship over the child until you can take care of the child. You can even leave a child at a hospital, police station or fire station with no questions asked. But you do need to hand the child over to a person, you cannot just leave them in a bathroom or something. Think about your options. You have many roads before you, please don't choose murder.

Finding things out

When Jennifer was first discovering the things out about her that she did, it wasn't very easy for me to deal with. Some times I would think 'why can't my husband just be normal?' I couldn't understand why this was all happening. For a few months I just shut down. I was just hollow. I would make dinner, clean up here and there, I would do things with the kids, and take care of them. But I wasn't really there. I was going to school at the time. But I couldn't focus on my school work at all. I ended up flunking the semester.

It was a very hard time for me. I am not by any stretch saying things are not hard now. But at least now I am here for the most part. I didn't want to understand what was going on. You stop wanting to listen when all that is talked about is gender issues and the possible reasons behind it. Day in and day out it was all I would hear. One day she promised not to talk about it for two weeks. That lasted about 10 minutes. Then came the over compensation. That was a nightmare! Talk about surgery and other things like medical research. The medical research wouldn't have been so bad but when you put it in with talk of surgery and over compensation and the like it gets bad. Then it went back the other way. "I am not female. I will just find other outlets. I just have some glitch in my brain." That didn't work out either. Then it started to go back to the "I am female" and the over compensation for it.

That is the point when I started to think very seriously about divorce. I didn't want my kids to deal with this at all and I was very sick of it all. I was about two days out from really looking for a lawyer. That is when things started to normal out. Well as normal as they can get.

Jennifer finally realized what she was doing wrong. We had a really late night that night talking about it; really many late nights talking about it. It is hard to describe just how things changed but they did. She is still improving, still a lot of work to do. But now I am here and I am not wanting a divorce. I did love her during all of this, but I was a wreck. I started to break down first emotionally then physically. During this time is when I had my most recent miscarriage. That really made things much worse.

Truth be told, one of the reasons my husband actually being a woman doesn't bother me is that I have had lesbian type tendencies since I was a kid. So I wasn't really upset about the whole woman thing. That didn't bother me much, ok some days it did. But the talk of surgery and the like was very frustrating. Then there was the fact that not once did she notice during this time what it was doing to me. I was ignored for the most part. Put on the back burner. That really hurt. My problems didn't matter during that time.

That is one of the things she finally noticed. I still love her. We are still working things out. But what married couple isn't still working things out?

The Other Half

This is Jennifer, Avril's spouse. She invited me to guest post on her blog from time to time.

I was an odd child. While appearing to be a healthy little boy, I wanted to do girl's things. I would dress in dresses, play with girl's toys and do many other things that would upset my parents. Severe punishment was usually the result. So I hid my feelings and tried my best for decades to be the person they wanted me to be. For the life of me I'm not sure why, but I picked the name Jennifer for myself when I was 11. When I was a teenager I developed both male and female characteristics, but was told that the female traits would go away in time, so I kept hiding who I felt I really was.

Hiding things from somebody, especially a wife, is never good. I was lucky she loved me enough to hang in there and help me find the real me.

I am odd in other ways, like not having any sense of smell. It's a blessing and a curse. I can sit next to a 5-ton pile of steaming manure and not smell a thing, but then again I can never smell a flower or any other pleasant smell. I thought it was just an interesting side note in the book of my life, but it turns out my inability to smell was the clue that unraveled the whole mystery.

In high school they teach that XX=female and XY=male. This is true ~99% of the time. 99% is pretty good, but not perfect. There are perfectly healthy XY females and XX males out there. Some people are born with XXY, XYY, X all by itself or any other mix of X and Y you can imagine.

With my physical symptoms, it was thought that I was probably XXY, but a genetic test showed I am XY. At this point most doctors stop and call a condition 'idiosymptomatic', which basically means you have the symptoms of a disorder and they'd like to go ahead and begin treatment without bothering to see what's really going on. The normal treatment is to inject testosterone, but without knowing what's really going on, playing around with things like anabolic steroids didn't seem like a great idea to me.

That and I knew that I am female inside. I would never be happy looking more male. I told them to stick their needles right up their lazy asses. If I wanted to know what's really going on with my body, I would have to do my own research.

It turns out the dead sense of smell plus the symptoms of XXY indicate what is known as Kallmann Syndrome. Further reading revealed that the same gene which causes Kallmann's can also cause gender identity issues and that many XY females have abnormalities in the same gene. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but there's something interesting to be found at Xp22.3. Many thanks to Zoe, who blogs at this link for helping me find the answers.

I still don't have all the answers, but this much I know: I have a female brain and a body that's a mix of male and female.

What could be more essential than the brain? Your brain is who you are. You can cut off an arm or a leg and the lost limb becomes little more than inanimate biological waste. If you disconnect anything from the brain, it's no longer a part of you. Amputated limbs are no longer under your control. Disconnect the brain and you're dead, no matter how good a shape the rest of the body is in.

Then there's spirituality. It's blatantly obvious that if there is more to us than our physical bodies, that spiritual element must connect to the body at the brain.

Either way, biologically or spiritually, I am a woman. I've been much happier and a much better person to live with since I've embraced that fact instead of trying to be a person that I am not. Someday I hope to be able to live in my day-to-day life as the woman I am, but for practical reasons I must continue to live as a man outside of my home to provide for my family. But I am extremely lucky to have a wife who loves me enough to accept who I am. It would appear she fell in love with me, and not the false gender image I was projecting when we met.

I thank God for that every day.

That's what this blog is about, the struggle of reacting normally to the abnormal situation we find ourselves in. But we're doing it together and not apart.

Hello all

Hello you. I am starting this blog as a way to get out my frustrations. I often feel alone and I just need to let it out.

I am a mother of 2 with number 3 on the way. This is pregnancy number 7 and I only have 2 kids to show for it. Three have been miscarriages, one molar (you just might want to google molar pregnancy if you want to know what the heck it is), two successful, and still waiting to find out how this one goes. Making a baby isn't as easy as having, well you know what, as most people seem to think.

I didn't marry my husband rich and well with how the economy is we still aren't. Money seems to be hard to come by and doesn't buy a heck of a lot. And just when you think things are going to be ok this week some thing happens and takes up most of your paycheck. What a pain it can all be.

By the way, I only thought I married a man. Yeah, that's right I thought I married a man. Turns out that really he is a she. Did you know some times some one is born looking like one sex but is really the other? She was born looking male and so was raised as a male. Any time she showed any kind of girlie behavior her parents would chew her out and tell her she is a boy and is not allowed to do girlie things. Tried to make a man out of her. So as a result she fabricated this male persona that would be very rude, very unromantic(even more unromantic then your typical guy), and much more (over time I will go over it all). So lots of mental issues.

So that is my spouses childhood. Mine is just as dark if not more so. I was the victim of sexual abuse as a kid. The worst part of it was that it was a person I trusted and loved dearly. This persons job was to protect me, after all isn't that what most brothers do? I thought that they protect their sisters not hurt them. Over time I will talk about this more.

I hope in sharing my story with others that I can help some one know that they are not alone as I often feel. And I hope that it helps me to deal with it better. It will take time to go over it all. Sorry I unloaded so much in the first post but I think it is important that you know what the deal is with my blog.