So far every one in the house has been sick but me. I have been the caregiver of three different sick people in the past week. Thankfully they have all been on different days. I just hope that I am not next.
Just to get it out there, I am against abortion. The reason I mention this is because of a magazine article I read today. It has really bothered me. It was in the latest issue of Elle. It was called The Choice. Let me sum up. A woman wants to have another child but not a third, does artificial insemination and gets pregnant with twins. Well that is something that happens a lot when you use fertility drugs. So after she looks at all sorts of different numbers and looks over the budget she decides to have a "selective reduction". What does that mean? Well it means when you get pregnant with more than one child you kill off what ones you don't want. Normally just one of the babies. Draw back is you still get to deliver the dead one when you deliver the one you let live.
I don't have a hard time getting pregnant, I just can't seem to stay pregnant. I have had way too many spiritual experiences with my children, including the ones I miscarried, to do such a thing. With my last miscarriage I went to the doctor to see what was wrong when I was bleeding at seven weeks along. They did an ultrasound, didn't see any signs of bleeding, but they did pick up the heart beat. It was very strong. Two weeks later I lost the baby anyways. I have felt their spirit near me every time I miscarried. I know that their little undeveloped bodies had a spirit in them before they died and I know that they are waiting for me in heaven.
When they do a "selective reduction" they do it between 11 and 13 weeks. So if I was able to hear my baby's heart at seven weeks you can be darn sure you can hear it at 11 weeks. What kind person can really be ok with stopping a heart beat? Can you really be ok with it in the long term of things?
If you plan on having an abortion or a "selective reduction" know this, one day you are going to be faced with that child. You are going to have to look at that angelic face and explain why you didn't want them, why you didn't love them enough to let them live. If you want to kill them I hope you are ready to tell them why.
My advice, don't worry about money or what people think. If you really can't support a child, you have other options. You can have the baby adopted or if you have a willing family member you can give them guardianship over the child until you can take care of the child. You can even leave a child at a hospital, police station or fire station with no questions asked. But you do need to hand the child over to a person, you cannot just leave them in a bathroom or something. Think about your options. You have many roads before you, please don't choose murder.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Finding things out
When Jennifer was first discovering the things out about her that she did, it wasn't very easy for me to deal with. Some times I would think 'why can't my husband just be normal?' I couldn't understand why this was all happening. For a few months I just shut down. I was just hollow. I would make dinner, clean up here and there, I would do things with the kids, and take care of them. But I wasn't really there. I was going to school at the time. But I couldn't focus on my school work at all. I ended up flunking the semester.
It was a very hard time for me. I am not by any stretch saying things are not hard now. But at least now I am here for the most part. I didn't want to understand what was going on. You stop wanting to listen when all that is talked about is gender issues and the possible reasons behind it. Day in and day out it was all I would hear. One day she promised not to talk about it for two weeks. That lasted about 10 minutes. Then came the over compensation. That was a nightmare! Talk about surgery and other things like medical research. The medical research wouldn't have been so bad but when you put it in with talk of surgery and over compensation and the like it gets bad. Then it went back the other way. "I am not female. I will just find other outlets. I just have some glitch in my brain." That didn't work out either. Then it started to go back to the "I am female" and the over compensation for it.
That is the point when I started to think very seriously about divorce. I didn't want my kids to deal with this at all and I was very sick of it all. I was about two days out from really looking for a lawyer. That is when things started to normal out. Well as normal as they can get.
Jennifer finally realized what she was doing wrong. We had a really late night that night talking about it; really many late nights talking about it. It is hard to describe just how things changed but they did. She is still improving, still a lot of work to do. But now I am here and I am not wanting a divorce. I did love her during all of this, but I was a wreck. I started to break down first emotionally then physically. During this time is when I had my most recent miscarriage. That really made things much worse.
Truth be told, one of the reasons my husband actually being a woman doesn't bother me is that I have had lesbian type tendencies since I was a kid. So I wasn't really upset about the whole woman thing. That didn't bother me much, ok some days it did. But the talk of surgery and the like was very frustrating. Then there was the fact that not once did she notice during this time what it was doing to me. I was ignored for the most part. Put on the back burner. That really hurt. My problems didn't matter during that time.
That is one of the things she finally noticed. I still love her. We are still working things out. But what married couple isn't still working things out?
It was a very hard time for me. I am not by any stretch saying things are not hard now. But at least now I am here for the most part. I didn't want to understand what was going on. You stop wanting to listen when all that is talked about is gender issues and the possible reasons behind it. Day in and day out it was all I would hear. One day she promised not to talk about it for two weeks. That lasted about 10 minutes. Then came the over compensation. That was a nightmare! Talk about surgery and other things like medical research. The medical research wouldn't have been so bad but when you put it in with talk of surgery and over compensation and the like it gets bad. Then it went back the other way. "I am not female. I will just find other outlets. I just have some glitch in my brain." That didn't work out either. Then it started to go back to the "I am female" and the over compensation for it.
That is the point when I started to think very seriously about divorce. I didn't want my kids to deal with this at all and I was very sick of it all. I was about two days out from really looking for a lawyer. That is when things started to normal out. Well as normal as they can get.
Jennifer finally realized what she was doing wrong. We had a really late night that night talking about it; really many late nights talking about it. It is hard to describe just how things changed but they did. She is still improving, still a lot of work to do. But now I am here and I am not wanting a divorce. I did love her during all of this, but I was a wreck. I started to break down first emotionally then physically. During this time is when I had my most recent miscarriage. That really made things much worse.
Truth be told, one of the reasons my husband actually being a woman doesn't bother me is that I have had lesbian type tendencies since I was a kid. So I wasn't really upset about the whole woman thing. That didn't bother me much, ok some days it did. But the talk of surgery and the like was very frustrating. Then there was the fact that not once did she notice during this time what it was doing to me. I was ignored for the most part. Put on the back burner. That really hurt. My problems didn't matter during that time.
That is one of the things she finally noticed. I still love her. We are still working things out. But what married couple isn't still working things out?
Friday, July 23, 2010
The Other Half
This is Jennifer, Avril's spouse. She invited me to guest post on her blog from time to time.
I was an odd child. While appearing to be a healthy little boy, I wanted to do girl's things. I would dress in dresses, play with girl's toys and do many other things that would upset my parents. Severe punishment was usually the result. So I hid my feelings and tried my best for decades to be the person they wanted me to be. For the life of me I'm not sure why, but I picked the name Jennifer for myself when I was 11. When I was a teenager I developed both male and female characteristics, but was told that the female traits would go away in time, so I kept hiding who I felt I really was.
Hiding things from somebody, especially a wife, is never good. I was lucky she loved me enough to hang in there and help me find the real me.
I am odd in other ways, like not having any sense of smell. It's a blessing and a curse. I can sit next to a 5-ton pile of steaming manure and not smell a thing, but then again I can never smell a flower or any other pleasant smell. I thought it was just an interesting side note in the book of my life, but it turns out my inability to smell was the clue that unraveled the whole mystery.
In high school they teach that XX=female and XY=male. This is true ~99% of the time. 99% is pretty good, but not perfect. There are perfectly healthy XY females and XX males out there. Some people are born with XXY, XYY, X all by itself or any other mix of X and Y you can imagine.
With my physical symptoms, it was thought that I was probably XXY, but a genetic test showed I am XY. At this point most doctors stop and call a condition 'idiosymptomatic', which basically means you have the symptoms of a disorder and they'd like to go ahead and begin treatment without bothering to see what's really going on. The normal treatment is to inject testosterone, but without knowing what's really going on, playing around with things like anabolic steroids didn't seem like a great idea to me.
That and I knew that I am female inside. I would never be happy looking more male. I told them to stick their needles right up their lazy asses. If I wanted to know what's really going on with my body, I would have to do my own research.
It turns out the dead sense of smell plus the symptoms of XXY indicate what is known as Kallmann Syndrome. Further reading revealed that the same gene which causes Kallmann's can also cause gender identity issues and that many XY females have abnormalities in the same gene. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but there's something interesting to be found at Xp22.3. Many thanks to Zoe, who blogs at this link for helping me find the answers.
I still don't have all the answers, but this much I know: I have a female brain and a body that's a mix of male and female.
What could be more essential than the brain? Your brain is who you are. You can cut off an arm or a leg and the lost limb becomes little more than inanimate biological waste. If you disconnect anything from the brain, it's no longer a part of you. Amputated limbs are no longer under your control. Disconnect the brain and you're dead, no matter how good a shape the rest of the body is in.
Then there's spirituality. It's blatantly obvious that if there is more to us than our physical bodies, that spiritual element must connect to the body at the brain.
Either way, biologically or spiritually, I am a woman. I've been much happier and a much better person to live with since I've embraced that fact instead of trying to be a person that I am not. Someday I hope to be able to live in my day-to-day life as the woman I am, but for practical reasons I must continue to live as a man outside of my home to provide for my family. But I am extremely lucky to have a wife who loves me enough to accept who I am. It would appear she fell in love with me, and not the false gender image I was projecting when we met.
I thank God for that every day.
That's what this blog is about, the struggle of reacting normally to the abnormal situation we find ourselves in. But we're doing it together and not apart.
I was an odd child. While appearing to be a healthy little boy, I wanted to do girl's things. I would dress in dresses, play with girl's toys and do many other things that would upset my parents. Severe punishment was usually the result. So I hid my feelings and tried my best for decades to be the person they wanted me to be. For the life of me I'm not sure why, but I picked the name Jennifer for myself when I was 11. When I was a teenager I developed both male and female characteristics, but was told that the female traits would go away in time, so I kept hiding who I felt I really was.
Hiding things from somebody, especially a wife, is never good. I was lucky she loved me enough to hang in there and help me find the real me.
I am odd in other ways, like not having any sense of smell. It's a blessing and a curse. I can sit next to a 5-ton pile of steaming manure and not smell a thing, but then again I can never smell a flower or any other pleasant smell. I thought it was just an interesting side note in the book of my life, but it turns out my inability to smell was the clue that unraveled the whole mystery.
In high school they teach that XX=female and XY=male. This is true ~99% of the time. 99% is pretty good, but not perfect. There are perfectly healthy XY females and XX males out there. Some people are born with XXY, XYY, X all by itself or any other mix of X and Y you can imagine.
With my physical symptoms, it was thought that I was probably XXY, but a genetic test showed I am XY. At this point most doctors stop and call a condition 'idiosymptomatic', which basically means you have the symptoms of a disorder and they'd like to go ahead and begin treatment without bothering to see what's really going on. The normal treatment is to inject testosterone, but without knowing what's really going on, playing around with things like anabolic steroids didn't seem like a great idea to me.
That and I knew that I am female inside. I would never be happy looking more male. I told them to stick their needles right up their lazy asses. If I wanted to know what's really going on with my body, I would have to do my own research.
It turns out the dead sense of smell plus the symptoms of XXY indicate what is known as Kallmann Syndrome. Further reading revealed that the same gene which causes Kallmann's can also cause gender identity issues and that many XY females have abnormalities in the same gene. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but there's something interesting to be found at Xp22.3. Many thanks to Zoe, who blogs at this link for helping me find the answers.
I still don't have all the answers, but this much I know: I have a female brain and a body that's a mix of male and female.
What could be more essential than the brain? Your brain is who you are. You can cut off an arm or a leg and the lost limb becomes little more than inanimate biological waste. If you disconnect anything from the brain, it's no longer a part of you. Amputated limbs are no longer under your control. Disconnect the brain and you're dead, no matter how good a shape the rest of the body is in.
Then there's spirituality. It's blatantly obvious that if there is more to us than our physical bodies, that spiritual element must connect to the body at the brain.
Either way, biologically or spiritually, I am a woman. I've been much happier and a much better person to live with since I've embraced that fact instead of trying to be a person that I am not. Someday I hope to be able to live in my day-to-day life as the woman I am, but for practical reasons I must continue to live as a man outside of my home to provide for my family. But I am extremely lucky to have a wife who loves me enough to accept who I am. It would appear she fell in love with me, and not the false gender image I was projecting when we met.
I thank God for that every day.
That's what this blog is about, the struggle of reacting normally to the abnormal situation we find ourselves in. But we're doing it together and not apart.
Hello all
Hello you. I am starting this blog as a way to get out my frustrations. I often feel alone and I just need to let it out.
I am a mother of 2 with number 3 on the way. This is pregnancy number 7 and I only have 2 kids to show for it. Three have been miscarriages, one molar (you just might want to google molar pregnancy if you want to know what the heck it is), two successful, and still waiting to find out how this one goes. Making a baby isn't as easy as having, well you know what, as most people seem to think.
I didn't marry my husband rich and well with how the economy is we still aren't. Money seems to be hard to come by and doesn't buy a heck of a lot. And just when you think things are going to be ok this week some thing happens and takes up most of your paycheck. What a pain it can all be.
By the way, I only thought I married a man. Yeah, that's right I thought I married a man. Turns out that really he is a she. Did you know some times some one is born looking like one sex but is really the other? She was born looking male and so was raised as a male. Any time she showed any kind of girlie behavior her parents would chew her out and tell her she is a boy and is not allowed to do girlie things. Tried to make a man out of her. So as a result she fabricated this male persona that would be very rude, very unromantic(even more unromantic then your typical guy), and much more (over time I will go over it all). So lots of mental issues.
So that is my spouses childhood. Mine is just as dark if not more so. I was the victim of sexual abuse as a kid. The worst part of it was that it was a person I trusted and loved dearly. This persons job was to protect me, after all isn't that what most brothers do? I thought that they protect their sisters not hurt them. Over time I will talk about this more.
I hope in sharing my story with others that I can help some one know that they are not alone as I often feel. And I hope that it helps me to deal with it better. It will take time to go over it all. Sorry I unloaded so much in the first post but I think it is important that you know what the deal is with my blog.
I am a mother of 2 with number 3 on the way. This is pregnancy number 7 and I only have 2 kids to show for it. Three have been miscarriages, one molar (you just might want to google molar pregnancy if you want to know what the heck it is), two successful, and still waiting to find out how this one goes. Making a baby isn't as easy as having, well you know what, as most people seem to think.
I didn't marry my husband rich and well with how the economy is we still aren't. Money seems to be hard to come by and doesn't buy a heck of a lot. And just when you think things are going to be ok this week some thing happens and takes up most of your paycheck. What a pain it can all be.
By the way, I only thought I married a man. Yeah, that's right I thought I married a man. Turns out that really he is a she. Did you know some times some one is born looking like one sex but is really the other? She was born looking male and so was raised as a male. Any time she showed any kind of girlie behavior her parents would chew her out and tell her she is a boy and is not allowed to do girlie things. Tried to make a man out of her. So as a result she fabricated this male persona that would be very rude, very unromantic(even more unromantic then your typical guy), and much more (over time I will go over it all). So lots of mental issues.
So that is my spouses childhood. Mine is just as dark if not more so. I was the victim of sexual abuse as a kid. The worst part of it was that it was a person I trusted and loved dearly. This persons job was to protect me, after all isn't that what most brothers do? I thought that they protect their sisters not hurt them. Over time I will talk about this more.
I hope in sharing my story with others that I can help some one know that they are not alone as I often feel. And I hope that it helps me to deal with it better. It will take time to go over it all. Sorry I unloaded so much in the first post but I think it is important that you know what the deal is with my blog.
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