Things have been going very crazy. Some days I just want to rip my hair out, throw my hands up and scream! This pregnancy has not be easy. My hormones are just running crazy. And with a past like mine it really adds to the mix. I already had problems with my emotions.
Jen and I have been having problems as well with her gender stuff. It has been really crazy. The thing that had me very worried was, how is going to be for us in the next life? Will we still be together? Or will we be pulled apart? I just don't know what will happen. But then I decided that I need to just enjoy what I have now. I can't worry about things that I have no clue about and have no real way of knowing. It is all a matter of faith.
As for my problems, I keep getting very very very depressed. It gets to the point that I can't really pull myself out. I need more help. Thankfully Jen has been so understanding. We had a really good talk about some of my problems and finding out what they really are. It helps when you know what is wrong. Now the problem is fixing it.
One of my problems is that I was not raised with a good self image at all. It has been one of those things when Jen tells me how sexy or beautiful I am I smile but in the back of my head I am thinking "yeah right, your just saying that to get something." I have a hard time really believing it. When I was a kid my parents never really told me I was beautiful but they would point out my faults. My mom would tell me I had a big nose and my dad would tell me how fat I was. Just so you know, when I was 18 I was 5'4" and was about 120-125 lbs and I did work out almost every day. But to my dad I was still fat. He would have liked it better if I was about 110.
How do you fix that kind of thing now? How can I get a better self image now? Is it some thing you can change later in life? Or is it something you must learn at a young age and if you don't are you just messed over? I guess these are questions I am going to have to work through. If you have any suggestions feel free to share.
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