More changes

Things change to fast some times. I went from thinking we were going to stay where we are for about a year or so to moving this week. Yeah, neck break speed. All of this just when I think things are settling down for us.

For now my problems have taken center stage because they have started causing some problems with the pregnancy. The stress has started some really bad cramping and if it continues I have a good chance of going into preterm labor. This wouldn't be the first time I have gone into preterm labor. It happened when I was pregnant with my son. It is kind of nice to know that the people in my life care about me so much. Jen's family is the most helpful, they are really concerned and want us to move back so they can help me. They are doing what ever they can to help us move.

I started reading a really good book to help me over come some of my abuse problems and I would suggest it to any one. It is a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, it is called "Bad Childhood, Good Life." It has been very helpful. She makes a lot of good points and really makes you think about things. She also points out that going to therapy is not for every one and in a lot of cases it does more harm than good. I know for me it would never work out. The more I talk about what happened the more it hurts, so why would I want to talk about it every week? Dr. Laura talks a lot about these kinds of things in her book. I would suggest reading it to pretty much any one. It isn't just for people who have been beaten or sexually abused. It is for anyone who has had an unhappy childhood.

I am still working on getting past every thing. But I feel like I am on the right track now. I am not going to just be a survivor, I am going to be a victor. Yes, it is a BIG difference. Just think about it for a little bit. You can survive just about any thing, but that doesn't mean you come out on top. The point is to come out on top. You don't want to survive a fight you want to win it. You fight to win not to survive. This is true of any thing in life. You don't want to survive your problems, you want to beat them.

The cool part is the stuff that I have been learning about getting past my problems has really helped Jen with her problems as well. You can take a lot of these things and apply it to dealing with gender identity issues. You don't want to just survive the problems that come with it, you want to come out on top of them. I would actually suggest that you read the book I talked about a little earlier. It is really easy to apply it to your own set of problems. We can all be conquerors if we want to be.

What a load of crap

The past week has been hell and this week hasn't started off any better. My parents have for some reason decided to start talking about my brother a heck of a lot. So I called them on it and my mom decided that she never wants to talk to me again because 'I just can't get over it.' So then I decided to call her to try and get her to understand and she told me that I need to get over it and that she had gone through a similar thing as a child. But she dealt with it all on her own and that is what I should do and stop bugging her with it. After all she got over it why can't I? Well after this little talk with her it has become apparent to me that she hasn't dealt with it at all she is just in another form of denial about the whole thing. Every thing I have looked at about dealing with sexual abuse the people that have truly gotten past it want nothing more than to help others get past it. They want to help heal others of these deep wounds. Her she just wants to put her fingers in her ears and hum loudly.

My dad kept saying that it couldn't have been that bad. So I finally told him in graphic detail what my brother did to me. That was very hard for me, it was the first time I had ever done that. But he still thinks that if I go get some therapy things will be fine rather quickly. I will admit I need to get some professional help but it will still take time.

So both of my parents want to be able to talk about my brother when ever they want even when I am around. I am just not to the point of being able to handle that right now. Why can't they understand that? I have not asked them to disown him or anything like that. I even told them I don't want them to disown him, I just want them to respect my wishes and stop trying to force me. I would also like it if they would own up to the things they did wrong. They could have done things to prevent this and they didn't. For starters they never really taught me about private parts and who was allowed and who wasn't allowed to touch. Then they could have talked to him about not touching his sisters and if he did what would happen to him. Those are the two big things.

I am very hurt that my mother feels that she has to choose one or the other and I'll admit I am even more hurt that she decided to choose my abuser over me. I didn't want her to have to make that choice, but she decided to make it any ways. All I wanted was for them to not talk about him for now. As much pain as this causes me, I am glad I said something. It has made it so that my parents have to deal with this. They now cannot just pretend it never happened. It is something we all have to work through.

Never be afraid to speak up. If you don't stand up for yourself no one else will. No one can help you if no one knows you need help. Some times the cost of speaking up is high but it will always be worth it in the long run. I know I have a lot of things to work out, but I will survive. I have my spouse, kids, and my in-laws to help me. I hope to start some kind of therapy soon as well. I am sure if you look you will find your support as well. You are never alone.

AHHH!!!

Some days I just want to rip all of my hair out and today has been one of those days so far. My mom has been having a lot of back problems and is now wanting to die and to top it all off she is in complete denial of what my brother did to me and my sisters. Thanksgiving she started talking all about how much my son is like the a-hole. My son is nothing like him.

My grandmother called today and started talking about him as well. She was saying how much he is her little baby and always will be. Well she wouldn't be saying that if she knew what he did.

I have also had some self-esteem issues lately as well. It is one of those things that started when I was young. My parents like to point out my faults and never really told me I was pretty. They still do it as well. So I often feel ugly, fat, and unworthy of the love I get. Something that made it worse was on Facebook a "friend" told me that I look like the baby is ready to pop out. I am only 24 weeks along and this is my third that has gone this far along. So I feel pretty crappy.

As for things with Jen well, this is the only place that I refer to her as Jen or even recognize her as female. It is just something I am still not 100% comfortable with yet and with her staying mostly male in this life it is kind of hard to come to terms with. Not only that she still hasn't come to terms with everything herself so it makes it that much harder for me. We try not to worry to much about things and the next life, but it is something that is always there in the back of our heads. I still love her dearly and I am grateful to have someone like her to help me with the hard times.

I am so glad that we decided to make this baby our last. I know I could not do another one and survive it. I may survive physically but mentally I would lose it. I am having a hard enough time with this one. I am sooooo unstable it is craziness. I have to work really hard not to just blow up at people over stupid things. The crazy part is I know that it is stupid but it I still feel very angry or hurt over it. Somethings are a bit bigger and do warrant that kind of a reaction. But it is still hard to keep my cool.

So now that I feel a little better now that I was able to get some of it out, I think I will go have some chocolate and relax a bit.