AHHH!!!

Some days I just want to rip all of my hair out and today has been one of those days so far. My mom has been having a lot of back problems and is now wanting to die and to top it all off she is in complete denial of what my brother did to me and my sisters. Thanksgiving she started talking all about how much my son is like the a-hole. My son is nothing like him.

My grandmother called today and started talking about him as well. She was saying how much he is her little baby and always will be. Well she wouldn't be saying that if she knew what he did.

I have also had some self-esteem issues lately as well. It is one of those things that started when I was young. My parents like to point out my faults and never really told me I was pretty. They still do it as well. So I often feel ugly, fat, and unworthy of the love I get. Something that made it worse was on Facebook a "friend" told me that I look like the baby is ready to pop out. I am only 24 weeks along and this is my third that has gone this far along. So I feel pretty crappy.

As for things with Jen well, this is the only place that I refer to her as Jen or even recognize her as female. It is just something I am still not 100% comfortable with yet and with her staying mostly male in this life it is kind of hard to come to terms with. Not only that she still hasn't come to terms with everything herself so it makes it that much harder for me. We try not to worry to much about things and the next life, but it is something that is always there in the back of our heads. I still love her dearly and I am grateful to have someone like her to help me with the hard times.

I am so glad that we decided to make this baby our last. I know I could not do another one and survive it. I may survive physically but mentally I would lose it. I am having a hard enough time with this one. I am sooooo unstable it is craziness. I have to work really hard not to just blow up at people over stupid things. The crazy part is I know that it is stupid but it I still feel very angry or hurt over it. Somethings are a bit bigger and do warrant that kind of a reaction. But it is still hard to keep my cool.

So now that I feel a little better now that I was able to get some of it out, I think I will go have some chocolate and relax a bit.