The past week has been hell and this week hasn't started off any better. My parents have for some reason decided to start talking about my brother a heck of a lot. So I called them on it and my mom decided that she never wants to talk to me again because 'I just can't get over it.' So then I decided to call her to try and get her to understand and she told me that I need to get over it and that she had gone through a similar thing as a child. But she dealt with it all on her own and that is what I should do and stop bugging her with it. After all she got over it why can't I? Well after this little talk with her it has become apparent to me that she hasn't dealt with it at all she is just in another form of denial about the whole thing. Every thing I have looked at about dealing with sexual abuse the people that have truly gotten past it want nothing more than to help others get past it. They want to help heal others of these deep wounds. Her she just wants to put her fingers in her ears and hum loudly.
My dad kept saying that it couldn't have been that bad. So I finally told him in graphic detail what my brother did to me. That was very hard for me, it was the first time I had ever done that. But he still thinks that if I go get some therapy things will be fine rather quickly. I will admit I need to get some professional help but it will still take time.
So both of my parents want to be able to talk about my brother when ever they want even when I am around. I am just not to the point of being able to handle that right now. Why can't they understand that? I have not asked them to disown him or anything like that. I even told them I don't want them to disown him, I just want them to respect my wishes and stop trying to force me. I would also like it if they would own up to the things they did wrong. They could have done things to prevent this and they didn't. For starters they never really taught me about private parts and who was allowed and who wasn't allowed to touch. Then they could have talked to him about not touching his sisters and if he did what would happen to him. Those are the two big things.
I am very hurt that my mother feels that she has to choose one or the other and I'll admit I am even more hurt that she decided to choose my abuser over me. I didn't want her to have to make that choice, but she decided to make it any ways. All I wanted was for them to not talk about him for now. As much pain as this causes me, I am glad I said something. It has made it so that my parents have to deal with this. They now cannot just pretend it never happened. It is something we all have to work through.
Never be afraid to speak up. If you don't stand up for yourself no one else will. No one can help you if no one knows you need help. Some times the cost of speaking up is high but it will always be worth it in the long run. I know I have a lot of things to work out, but I will survive. I have my spouse, kids, and my in-laws to help me. I hope to start some kind of therapy soon as well. I am sure if you look you will find your support as well. You are never alone.
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