A Leap Of Faith

I am not sure if this has been mentioned before on this blog, but Avril and I are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka Mormons).

There are horror stories all over the internet about how our church mistreats people with gender identity disorder. Supposedly people with such a problem face little, if any understanding, are told they are sinners or that their condition 'comes from the devil' or some such nonsense.

I had a similar experience, but a new thought came into my head today like a light bulb: I hadn't approached the problem in such a way to promote understanding back then, mostly because I didn't understand my own problem at that point either. They treated me like some kind of sinner because I thought of myself in those terms. How could I expect others to be more open minded than I was at that time when the topic of discussion was me?

Since that time I've learned a lot about gender identity issues, how there's a physical cause behind them, how my brain is actually female for whatever reason. I've also found through blood tests and looking at other symptoms that I am partially insensitive to testosterone, which explains why I have a female brain and mixed development elsewhere.

And then I found an entry at the Mormanity blog with this quote:

I recently read your article on transgender issues. I am what many consider trans and I am also a faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am a Male to Female member.

No, I don't have an axe to grind. I thank you for your article! Well written and sensitive. I figured I might be able to shed more light on things.

The true transsexual is not a sexual deviant. I have kept my baptismal covenants and refuse to have sexual relations until I am married. And yes I can legally get married as a female. What happened to me was not a twist of fate...or an act of nature. It happened because my mother took a drug called DES. A drug marketed in the 60s to prevent miscarriage.

That drug was later classified as a mutagen...a teratogen. Translation? It screws with a developing baby to the extent it can alter gender attributes.

We do the best with what we are handed and we are at the whim of the evil designs of man. God did not make this happen to me...but as we both know this world is not a perfect world. If it were perfect...it would not be that good of a test.

Despite the hell I have endured I have chosen to keep the Lord and the church near me. What and who I am is not a contradiction in the terms of the church unless I make it so. For example flaunting it...making a big deal about it or acting immorally. That is why I am sending this to you privately because it is a private matter. My ward does not know about my past except for the RS president...Bishop and Stake pres.

Any way...there you go. If you have questions feel free to ask.

--Sarah

Sarah has the same condition as me, albeit from differing causes (I've asked my mother and she didn't take DES). Her local leaders accepted her as she is, even acknowledging that her spirit is female.

I didn't have the benefit of finding things out as soon as she did, but it proves that the church isn't systemically anti-transsexual. I'm sure if I went to church next Sunday in a dress and heels that there'd be a negative reaction, or that if I called the bishop and told him I was going to get sex reassignment surgery next week without any prior contact on the issue there'd be negative consequences. But that's not how we are supposed to interact with our fellow human beings, blindsiding them like that. They are human too, and their behavior can be seen as a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

I decided to get in touch with my bishop and tell him everything. My history, my medical tests and my spiritual awareness that I have a female spirit. We'll see where it goes, but I figure I at least owe the church an opportunity to not be bigoted before I pass judgement on them and assume they are.

More here as it unfolds :)

Trying to heal the scars

Some days I can almost forget about the abuse from my past. Other days it almost kills me. For me the hardest part has been forgiving. I can't forgive my brother for what he did to me. I can't forgive my parents for not caring about it and for pretending it never happened.

Some times I want to say that I hate my parents for the things they have done. But when thinking about it, it isn't that I hate them. It is that I am very hurt by them and what they have done. They let me down and that really hurts.

Let me clarify by telling my story.

When I was about 5 or so my brother started to sexually abuse me, I will not go into detail on what happened. This went on till I was about 8 almost 9. My parents never found out about what was going on. But then again they never really kept tabs on us kids. I didn't know that any thing was wrong with what was going on, my parents never told me any thing about private parts or things of that nature. It stopped partly because my eldest sister told me about the things my parents should have many years before and then because my brother left home. My brother stopped talking to the family a few years later after he left home.

So I buried this deep inside, I had even forgotten that any thing had happened. Then when I was 16 I was talking with a friend and she had started asking me questions about my sexual history. I then had a total break down. I didn't tell her why. I went home and told my parents about what had happened when I was a kid. My mom never talked to me about it. My dad just would ignore it. Then that year they told me they were trying to get my brother to come see us for Christmas because they managed to get hold of him.

Well at 16 that told me that they didn't care about me. So then I stopped caring about me as well. I got into some pretty bad stuff. My parents never tried to stop any of that either. So I just felt like I was worthless. It wasn't till I met Jennifer that I started to feel like some one cared about me. Of course when I met her we both didn't know she was a she. You will have to read the other posts to understand that one. But any ways because of her I was able to start feeling better about myself.

Now in recent years I have learned that my parents do kind of care about me, they just don't believe me. My dad has told Jennifer that I have been exaggerating and making stuff up. I never had bad feelings toward my brother until my protective shell was broken. I know some people are thinking "well if you didn't 'remember' it till you were 16 how do we know you are really telling the truth?" Well it is actually very common for some one to repress a bad memory so that they don't have to deal with it or feel the pain that comes from the bad memory. You always want to be able to escape pain. Some times it just takes the right smell, word, or experience to trigger the memory.

Some thing else to put with all of this is that my parents won't ask him about it. They are to afraid that if they ask him that he will stop talking to them again. Personally I don't see that as a bad thing. But my mom suffers from what I have started calling "not my mi hijo/hija" (pronounced ho for son ha for daughter) syndrome. And yes that is how it is said, if you ever had lived in El Paso you would know this. That is when some one, normally mothers, don't believe their kid can do any wrong. I have known many mothers with this problem and my mom is one of them. After all he is her baby and how could he do some thing so terrible.

My brother I do hate. My parents, well I don't know if I would say hate but I am very hurt. I don't know if I can forgive them for these things. They have let me down very greatly.

Now I am going to ask that any one that has some thing to say leave a comment. I am open to advice or if you just want to tell your story go for it. Don't be shy I have it so that you can be anonymous if you would like. Thank you all.

Others like me

Just when you think every thing is fine and dandy every one gets sick again! No matter how clean every thing is or how many times I go around with disinfectant wipes every one in the house gets sick. So frustrating. Well enough about that.

Some times it is hard to believe that I am not alone. It is some times easier for me to say that I don't want to talk to any one about it because how could any one understand what I am going through. Well truth of the matter is I am not alone. We are not alone in this. At least we don't have to be. We just need to look a little bit to find one another.

I find that every one deals with our spouses/significant others gender issues or what ever you would like to call it, differently. Some people are trying to look for a quick fix to it. I am sorry to break it to you but it takes time. Some people try to ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist, maybe they are hoping it will just go away. But that doesn't work either.

I am not going to pretend that I know all of the answers to these problems. But I do know that there is not a quick fix and ignoring it won't work it won't just go away. It takes time to learn how to understand. Understanding is the best way. It can be very hard to understand but you need to open yourself up. But if you are not careful you will end up being self destructive and unable to help any one. Trust me on this one, I know from experience.

You need to take care of yourself. We all like to try and help the person we love but if we are not careful we will only end up going crazy. I wasn't taking care of myself and had a total break down. Well more of a shut down. I was totally mentally shut off from every thing. I was there but only in body. So take care of your self. Go take a bath and relax.

Part of the fault is on the person who is suffering from the issues. Your obsession hurts the people that are close to you and want to support you. You can not be so self absorbed. Just ask Jennifer, she was so bad that she had no idea what so ever that any thing was wrong with me. It ended up hurting us both. You need each other to get through these issues. The best thing to do is to take the time to listen and ask how your love is doing and really mean it. Remember together we can get through any thing. Be positive about it and love your self no matter what.

Well darn

Well darn it all! Life has been just plain crazy. I got sick and just couldn't seem to get over it. I was so felt so sick I didn't want to eat a thing. I think it was a bad mix of being sick and being pregnant. Smells got unbearable. Thankfully I am feeling much better.

Things with Jenifer are still a bit crazy. You know, when I first found out about all of her issues I was thinking "oh good maybe now I can get some more understanding from him since he is a she!" Boy was I wrong. Just because he is a she does not mean that she will understand me. Why? Well for many reasons. The first being well she was raised as a boy and didn't get to have any girlie experiences. Second being that even women that were raised as such don't even understand one another. Admit it, you don't fully understand other women. It is something that is just so impossible to do.

BUT, before you try to yell at the computer screen let me say that it is possible to have some understanding. But you have to admit it is only to a point. You can understand how some one can do something but still not understand why. And yes those are two totally different things.

I guess part of my frustration is that I was expecting too much. The other part is that well, not much changed in the understanding department. Part of me feels like she could do better. I feel like she could be a little bit more sensitive to my feelings. Some times she still says things that really hurt me. I have been really worried about the baby for a while and instead of giving me a hug and trying to tell calm down that every thing will be ok, just relax. I just got a 'stop your freaking out or you are going cause a problem.' The difference between the two? Well for starters the comfort of the first helps make a person more willing to listen to you. If you start with the telling them what to do well why should I listen to you you insensitive jerk?!

Yes I know I am ranting. But hey, that is what I started this blog for. Have a nice day:).

Sick days and more

So far every one in the house has been sick but me. I have been the caregiver of three different sick people in the past week. Thankfully they have all been on different days. I just hope that I am not next.

Just to get it out there, I am against abortion. The reason I mention this is because of a magazine article I read today. It has really bothered me. It was in the latest issue of Elle. It was called The Choice. Let me sum up. A woman wants to have another child but not a third, does artificial insemination and gets pregnant with twins. Well that is something that happens a lot when you use fertility drugs. So after she looks at all sorts of different numbers and looks over the budget she decides to have a "selective reduction". What does that mean? Well it means when you get pregnant with more than one child you kill off what ones you don't want. Normally just one of the babies. Draw back is you still get to deliver the dead one when you deliver the one you let live.

I don't have a hard time getting pregnant, I just can't seem to stay pregnant. I have had way too many spiritual experiences with my children, including the ones I miscarried, to do such a thing. With my last miscarriage I went to the doctor to see what was wrong when I was bleeding at seven weeks along. They did an ultrasound, didn't see any signs of bleeding, but they did pick up the heart beat. It was very strong. Two weeks later I lost the baby anyways. I have felt their spirit near me every time I miscarried. I know that their little undeveloped bodies had a spirit in them before they died and I know that they are waiting for me in heaven.

When they do a "selective reduction" they do it between 11 and 13 weeks. So if I was able to hear my baby's heart at seven weeks you can be darn sure you can hear it at 11 weeks. What kind person can really be ok with stopping a heart beat? Can you really be ok with it in the long term of things?

If you plan on having an abortion or a "selective reduction" know this, one day you are going to be faced with that child. You are going to have to look at that angelic face and explain why you didn't want them, why you didn't love them enough to let them live. If you want to kill them I hope you are ready to tell them why.

My advice, don't worry about money or what people think. If you really can't support a child, you have other options. You can have the baby adopted or if you have a willing family member you can give them guardianship over the child until you can take care of the child. You can even leave a child at a hospital, police station or fire station with no questions asked. But you do need to hand the child over to a person, you cannot just leave them in a bathroom or something. Think about your options. You have many roads before you, please don't choose murder.

Finding things out

When Jennifer was first discovering the things out about her that she did, it wasn't very easy for me to deal with. Some times I would think 'why can't my husband just be normal?' I couldn't understand why this was all happening. For a few months I just shut down. I was just hollow. I would make dinner, clean up here and there, I would do things with the kids, and take care of them. But I wasn't really there. I was going to school at the time. But I couldn't focus on my school work at all. I ended up flunking the semester.

It was a very hard time for me. I am not by any stretch saying things are not hard now. But at least now I am here for the most part. I didn't want to understand what was going on. You stop wanting to listen when all that is talked about is gender issues and the possible reasons behind it. Day in and day out it was all I would hear. One day she promised not to talk about it for two weeks. That lasted about 10 minutes. Then came the over compensation. That was a nightmare! Talk about surgery and other things like medical research. The medical research wouldn't have been so bad but when you put it in with talk of surgery and over compensation and the like it gets bad. Then it went back the other way. "I am not female. I will just find other outlets. I just have some glitch in my brain." That didn't work out either. Then it started to go back to the "I am female" and the over compensation for it.

That is the point when I started to think very seriously about divorce. I didn't want my kids to deal with this at all and I was very sick of it all. I was about two days out from really looking for a lawyer. That is when things started to normal out. Well as normal as they can get.

Jennifer finally realized what she was doing wrong. We had a really late night that night talking about it; really many late nights talking about it. It is hard to describe just how things changed but they did. She is still improving, still a lot of work to do. But now I am here and I am not wanting a divorce. I did love her during all of this, but I was a wreck. I started to break down first emotionally then physically. During this time is when I had my most recent miscarriage. That really made things much worse.

Truth be told, one of the reasons my husband actually being a woman doesn't bother me is that I have had lesbian type tendencies since I was a kid. So I wasn't really upset about the whole woman thing. That didn't bother me much, ok some days it did. But the talk of surgery and the like was very frustrating. Then there was the fact that not once did she notice during this time what it was doing to me. I was ignored for the most part. Put on the back burner. That really hurt. My problems didn't matter during that time.

That is one of the things she finally noticed. I still love her. We are still working things out. But what married couple isn't still working things out?

The Other Half

This is Jennifer, Avril's spouse. She invited me to guest post on her blog from time to time.

I was an odd child. While appearing to be a healthy little boy, I wanted to do girl's things. I would dress in dresses, play with girl's toys and do many other things that would upset my parents. Severe punishment was usually the result. So I hid my feelings and tried my best for decades to be the person they wanted me to be. For the life of me I'm not sure why, but I picked the name Jennifer for myself when I was 11. When I was a teenager I developed both male and female characteristics, but was told that the female traits would go away in time, so I kept hiding who I felt I really was.

Hiding things from somebody, especially a wife, is never good. I was lucky she loved me enough to hang in there and help me find the real me.

I am odd in other ways, like not having any sense of smell. It's a blessing and a curse. I can sit next to a 5-ton pile of steaming manure and not smell a thing, but then again I can never smell a flower or any other pleasant smell. I thought it was just an interesting side note in the book of my life, but it turns out my inability to smell was the clue that unraveled the whole mystery.

In high school they teach that XX=female and XY=male. This is true ~99% of the time. 99% is pretty good, but not perfect. There are perfectly healthy XY females and XX males out there. Some people are born with XXY, XYY, X all by itself or any other mix of X and Y you can imagine.

With my physical symptoms, it was thought that I was probably XXY, but a genetic test showed I am XY. At this point most doctors stop and call a condition 'idiosymptomatic', which basically means you have the symptoms of a disorder and they'd like to go ahead and begin treatment without bothering to see what's really going on. The normal treatment is to inject testosterone, but without knowing what's really going on, playing around with things like anabolic steroids didn't seem like a great idea to me.

That and I knew that I am female inside. I would never be happy looking more male. I told them to stick their needles right up their lazy asses. If I wanted to know what's really going on with my body, I would have to do my own research.

It turns out the dead sense of smell plus the symptoms of XXY indicate what is known as Kallmann Syndrome. Further reading revealed that the same gene which causes Kallmann's can also cause gender identity issues and that many XY females have abnormalities in the same gene. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but there's something interesting to be found at Xp22.3. Many thanks to Zoe, who blogs at this link for helping me find the answers.

I still don't have all the answers, but this much I know: I have a female brain and a body that's a mix of male and female.

What could be more essential than the brain? Your brain is who you are. You can cut off an arm or a leg and the lost limb becomes little more than inanimate biological waste. If you disconnect anything from the brain, it's no longer a part of you. Amputated limbs are no longer under your control. Disconnect the brain and you're dead, no matter how good a shape the rest of the body is in.

Then there's spirituality. It's blatantly obvious that if there is more to us than our physical bodies, that spiritual element must connect to the body at the brain.

Either way, biologically or spiritually, I am a woman. I've been much happier and a much better person to live with since I've embraced that fact instead of trying to be a person that I am not. Someday I hope to be able to live in my day-to-day life as the woman I am, but for practical reasons I must continue to live as a man outside of my home to provide for my family. But I am extremely lucky to have a wife who loves me enough to accept who I am. It would appear she fell in love with me, and not the false gender image I was projecting when we met.

I thank God for that every day.

That's what this blog is about, the struggle of reacting normally to the abnormal situation we find ourselves in. But we're doing it together and not apart.