When Jennifer was first discovering the things out about her that she did, it wasn't very easy for me to deal with. Some times I would think 'why can't my husband just be normal?' I couldn't understand why this was all happening. For a few months I just shut down. I was just hollow. I would make dinner, clean up here and there, I would do things with the kids, and take care of them. But I wasn't really there. I was going to school at the time. But I couldn't focus on my school work at all. I ended up flunking the semester.
It was a very hard time for me. I am not by any stretch saying things are not hard now. But at least now I am here for the most part. I didn't want to understand what was going on. You stop wanting to listen when all that is talked about is gender issues and the possible reasons behind it. Day in and day out it was all I would hear. One day she promised not to talk about it for two weeks. That lasted about 10 minutes. Then came the over compensation. That was a nightmare! Talk about surgery and other things like medical research. The medical research wouldn't have been so bad but when you put it in with talk of surgery and over compensation and the like it gets bad. Then it went back the other way. "I am not female. I will just find other outlets. I just have some glitch in my brain." That didn't work out either. Then it started to go back to the "I am female" and the over compensation for it.
That is the point when I started to think very seriously about divorce. I didn't want my kids to deal with this at all and I was very sick of it all. I was about two days out from really looking for a lawyer. That is when things started to normal out. Well as normal as they can get.
Jennifer finally realized what she was doing wrong. We had a really late night that night talking about it; really many late nights talking about it. It is hard to describe just how things changed but they did. She is still improving, still a lot of work to do. But now I am here and I am not wanting a divorce. I did love her during all of this, but I was a wreck. I started to break down first emotionally then physically. During this time is when I had my most recent miscarriage. That really made things much worse.
Truth be told, one of the reasons my husband actually being a woman doesn't bother me is that I have had lesbian type tendencies since I was a kid. So I wasn't really upset about the whole woman thing. That didn't bother me much, ok some days it did. But the talk of surgery and the like was very frustrating. Then there was the fact that not once did she notice during this time what it was doing to me. I was ignored for the most part. Put on the back burner. That really hurt. My problems didn't matter during that time.
That is one of the things she finally noticed. I still love her. We are still working things out. But what married couple isn't still working things out?
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