Up and down and back agian

Things have been going very crazy. Some days I just want to rip my hair out, throw my hands up and scream! This pregnancy has not be easy. My hormones are just running crazy. And with a past like mine it really adds to the mix. I already had problems with my emotions.

Jen and I have been having problems as well with her gender stuff. It has been really crazy. The thing that had me very worried was, how is going to be for us in the next life? Will we still be together? Or will we be pulled apart? I just don't know what will happen. But then I decided that I need to just enjoy what I have now. I can't worry about things that I have no clue about and have no real way of knowing. It is all a matter of faith.

As for my problems, I keep getting very very very depressed. It gets to the point that I can't really pull myself out. I need more help. Thankfully Jen has been so understanding. We had a really good talk about some of my problems and finding out what they really are. It helps when you know what is wrong. Now the problem is fixing it.

One of my problems is that I was not raised with a good self image at all. It has been one of those things when Jen tells me how sexy or beautiful I am I smile but in the back of my head I am thinking "yeah right, your just saying that to get something." I have a hard time really believing it. When I was a kid my parents never really told me I was beautiful but they would point out my faults. My mom would tell me I had a big nose and my dad would tell me how fat I was. Just so you know, when I was 18 I was 5'4" and was about 120-125 lbs and I did work out almost every day. But to my dad I was still fat. He would have liked it better if I was about 110.

How do you fix that kind of thing now? How can I get a better self image now? Is it some thing you can change later in life? Or is it something you must learn at a young age and if you don't are you just messed over? I guess these are questions I am going to have to work through. If you have any suggestions feel free to share.

Not as easy as you think

I know some days I may make accepting Jennifer for who she is sound like it was an easy thing for me. Truth be told it hasn't been easy for me. It has been very hard indeed. But as hard as accepting maybe, being without her would be harder.

Love is the stronger than just about any thing. It has been one of the many things that have kept Jennifer and I together. She has been so good to me I could never do without her. Some times we can't help but joke about it and well as they say "the best kind of man is a woman."

I just found some thing out that is very sad for me. My parents have been married for about 28 years and one of a few reasons my mom hasn't left my dad is, well she feels stuck. She feels like she has no other options open to her. If you have lived with my dad you would understand what a jerk he is. He is a person that has no respect for women at all. The sad part is he has 4 daughters including me. So I feel very blessed with what I have. Even when Jennifer thought she was a man she was very respectful and kind. Her father has a great respect for women and made darn sure all of his sons learned that (he still doesn't fully understand that Jennifer is not a guy, but that's another story).

So even with things being as hard as they are they could be worse. I don't feel like I am stuck with her. I may feel that way at times but never for long. Jennifer means so much to me. I can never see myself without her no matter how bad things may seem at times. Love is a wonderful thing.

Faith Helps

I have been thinking a lot on faith lately. I know that if I didn't have faith in some thing greater than me I would not be able to survive the things I have. The things with Jennifer would have been to hard for me to deal with. I know that I have received the strength I need from a higher power. As Jennifer has mentioned we are LDS. I do firmly believe in Christ and his healing power.

I know that faith is a hard subject for some people. But for me it has helped me and has given me the power I need to get through this life. I know that one day things will be put right. That day may not come in this life, but it will come. Some days it is hard to see and some days I do want to give up. But as long as I do my best to hold on to my faith, it gets me through the hard times. When I fail to keep faith I end up falling into a deep depression that takes me along time to get out of. I have never gotten out of it without faith in Christ to help me out. It is just a reminder for me to have faith.

I don't want you to feel like I am trying to push what I believe on you. But I do want you to know that there is always some one that cares about you. You are not alone in what you are going through. Heck you are looking at proof right now, this blog is proof that you are not alone.

A Leap Of Faith

I am not sure if this has been mentioned before on this blog, but Avril and I are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka Mormons).

There are horror stories all over the internet about how our church mistreats people with gender identity disorder. Supposedly people with such a problem face little, if any understanding, are told they are sinners or that their condition 'comes from the devil' or some such nonsense.

I had a similar experience, but a new thought came into my head today like a light bulb: I hadn't approached the problem in such a way to promote understanding back then, mostly because I didn't understand my own problem at that point either. They treated me like some kind of sinner because I thought of myself in those terms. How could I expect others to be more open minded than I was at that time when the topic of discussion was me?

Since that time I've learned a lot about gender identity issues, how there's a physical cause behind them, how my brain is actually female for whatever reason. I've also found through blood tests and looking at other symptoms that I am partially insensitive to testosterone, which explains why I have a female brain and mixed development elsewhere.

And then I found an entry at the Mormanity blog with this quote:

I recently read your article on transgender issues. I am what many consider trans and I am also a faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am a Male to Female member.

No, I don't have an axe to grind. I thank you for your article! Well written and sensitive. I figured I might be able to shed more light on things.

The true transsexual is not a sexual deviant. I have kept my baptismal covenants and refuse to have sexual relations until I am married. And yes I can legally get married as a female. What happened to me was not a twist of fate...or an act of nature. It happened because my mother took a drug called DES. A drug marketed in the 60s to prevent miscarriage.

That drug was later classified as a mutagen...a teratogen. Translation? It screws with a developing baby to the extent it can alter gender attributes.

We do the best with what we are handed and we are at the whim of the evil designs of man. God did not make this happen to me...but as we both know this world is not a perfect world. If it were perfect...it would not be that good of a test.

Despite the hell I have endured I have chosen to keep the Lord and the church near me. What and who I am is not a contradiction in the terms of the church unless I make it so. For example flaunting it...making a big deal about it or acting immorally. That is why I am sending this to you privately because it is a private matter. My ward does not know about my past except for the RS president...Bishop and Stake pres.

Any way...there you go. If you have questions feel free to ask.

--Sarah

Sarah has the same condition as me, albeit from differing causes (I've asked my mother and she didn't take DES). Her local leaders accepted her as she is, even acknowledging that her spirit is female.

I didn't have the benefit of finding things out as soon as she did, but it proves that the church isn't systemically anti-transsexual. I'm sure if I went to church next Sunday in a dress and heels that there'd be a negative reaction, or that if I called the bishop and told him I was going to get sex reassignment surgery next week without any prior contact on the issue there'd be negative consequences. But that's not how we are supposed to interact with our fellow human beings, blindsiding them like that. They are human too, and their behavior can be seen as a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

I decided to get in touch with my bishop and tell him everything. My history, my medical tests and my spiritual awareness that I have a female spirit. We'll see where it goes, but I figure I at least owe the church an opportunity to not be bigoted before I pass judgement on them and assume they are.

More here as it unfolds :)

Trying to heal the scars

Some days I can almost forget about the abuse from my past. Other days it almost kills me. For me the hardest part has been forgiving. I can't forgive my brother for what he did to me. I can't forgive my parents for not caring about it and for pretending it never happened.

Some times I want to say that I hate my parents for the things they have done. But when thinking about it, it isn't that I hate them. It is that I am very hurt by them and what they have done. They let me down and that really hurts.

Let me clarify by telling my story.

When I was about 5 or so my brother started to sexually abuse me, I will not go into detail on what happened. This went on till I was about 8 almost 9. My parents never found out about what was going on. But then again they never really kept tabs on us kids. I didn't know that any thing was wrong with what was going on, my parents never told me any thing about private parts or things of that nature. It stopped partly because my eldest sister told me about the things my parents should have many years before and then because my brother left home. My brother stopped talking to the family a few years later after he left home.

So I buried this deep inside, I had even forgotten that any thing had happened. Then when I was 16 I was talking with a friend and she had started asking me questions about my sexual history. I then had a total break down. I didn't tell her why. I went home and told my parents about what had happened when I was a kid. My mom never talked to me about it. My dad just would ignore it. Then that year they told me they were trying to get my brother to come see us for Christmas because they managed to get hold of him.

Well at 16 that told me that they didn't care about me. So then I stopped caring about me as well. I got into some pretty bad stuff. My parents never tried to stop any of that either. So I just felt like I was worthless. It wasn't till I met Jennifer that I started to feel like some one cared about me. Of course when I met her we both didn't know she was a she. You will have to read the other posts to understand that one. But any ways because of her I was able to start feeling better about myself.

Now in recent years I have learned that my parents do kind of care about me, they just don't believe me. My dad has told Jennifer that I have been exaggerating and making stuff up. I never had bad feelings toward my brother until my protective shell was broken. I know some people are thinking "well if you didn't 'remember' it till you were 16 how do we know you are really telling the truth?" Well it is actually very common for some one to repress a bad memory so that they don't have to deal with it or feel the pain that comes from the bad memory. You always want to be able to escape pain. Some times it just takes the right smell, word, or experience to trigger the memory.

Some thing else to put with all of this is that my parents won't ask him about it. They are to afraid that if they ask him that he will stop talking to them again. Personally I don't see that as a bad thing. But my mom suffers from what I have started calling "not my mi hijo/hija" (pronounced ho for son ha for daughter) syndrome. And yes that is how it is said, if you ever had lived in El Paso you would know this. That is when some one, normally mothers, don't believe their kid can do any wrong. I have known many mothers with this problem and my mom is one of them. After all he is her baby and how could he do some thing so terrible.

My brother I do hate. My parents, well I don't know if I would say hate but I am very hurt. I don't know if I can forgive them for these things. They have let me down very greatly.

Now I am going to ask that any one that has some thing to say leave a comment. I am open to advice or if you just want to tell your story go for it. Don't be shy I have it so that you can be anonymous if you would like. Thank you all.

Others like me

Just when you think every thing is fine and dandy every one gets sick again! No matter how clean every thing is or how many times I go around with disinfectant wipes every one in the house gets sick. So frustrating. Well enough about that.

Some times it is hard to believe that I am not alone. It is some times easier for me to say that I don't want to talk to any one about it because how could any one understand what I am going through. Well truth of the matter is I am not alone. We are not alone in this. At least we don't have to be. We just need to look a little bit to find one another.

I find that every one deals with our spouses/significant others gender issues or what ever you would like to call it, differently. Some people are trying to look for a quick fix to it. I am sorry to break it to you but it takes time. Some people try to ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist, maybe they are hoping it will just go away. But that doesn't work either.

I am not going to pretend that I know all of the answers to these problems. But I do know that there is not a quick fix and ignoring it won't work it won't just go away. It takes time to learn how to understand. Understanding is the best way. It can be very hard to understand but you need to open yourself up. But if you are not careful you will end up being self destructive and unable to help any one. Trust me on this one, I know from experience.

You need to take care of yourself. We all like to try and help the person we love but if we are not careful we will only end up going crazy. I wasn't taking care of myself and had a total break down. Well more of a shut down. I was totally mentally shut off from every thing. I was there but only in body. So take care of your self. Go take a bath and relax.

Part of the fault is on the person who is suffering from the issues. Your obsession hurts the people that are close to you and want to support you. You can not be so self absorbed. Just ask Jennifer, she was so bad that she had no idea what so ever that any thing was wrong with me. It ended up hurting us both. You need each other to get through these issues. The best thing to do is to take the time to listen and ask how your love is doing and really mean it. Remember together we can get through any thing. Be positive about it and love your self no matter what.

Well darn

Well darn it all! Life has been just plain crazy. I got sick and just couldn't seem to get over it. I was so felt so sick I didn't want to eat a thing. I think it was a bad mix of being sick and being pregnant. Smells got unbearable. Thankfully I am feeling much better.

Things with Jenifer are still a bit crazy. You know, when I first found out about all of her issues I was thinking "oh good maybe now I can get some more understanding from him since he is a she!" Boy was I wrong. Just because he is a she does not mean that she will understand me. Why? Well for many reasons. The first being well she was raised as a boy and didn't get to have any girlie experiences. Second being that even women that were raised as such don't even understand one another. Admit it, you don't fully understand other women. It is something that is just so impossible to do.

BUT, before you try to yell at the computer screen let me say that it is possible to have some understanding. But you have to admit it is only to a point. You can understand how some one can do something but still not understand why. And yes those are two totally different things.

I guess part of my frustration is that I was expecting too much. The other part is that well, not much changed in the understanding department. Part of me feels like she could do better. I feel like she could be a little bit more sensitive to my feelings. Some times she still says things that really hurt me. I have been really worried about the baby for a while and instead of giving me a hug and trying to tell calm down that every thing will be ok, just relax. I just got a 'stop your freaking out or you are going cause a problem.' The difference between the two? Well for starters the comfort of the first helps make a person more willing to listen to you. If you start with the telling them what to do well why should I listen to you you insensitive jerk?!

Yes I know I am ranting. But hey, that is what I started this blog for. Have a nice day:).