From the last post, somebody might just assume the blog wasn't updated because somebody committed suicide. Nope, still here.
(cue Russian accent) We are like roach. Even nuke will not keel. (end Russian accent)
My old work was up to some very illegal stuff (the kind of stuff people get into the national news about). Getting my last paycheck proved to be a piece of cake, that is once I reminded them of some of the illegal stuff they were doing.
Getting unemployment proved equally easy. I don't think they had the balls to try and prevent it because, once again, they were into some very illegal stuff.
The bad news: no job. But it's not really bad news, as my business is actually doing OK enough to pay the bills. I won't get into the exact nature of what I am doing to keep my privacy, but it involves teaching people an important skill that could save their lives one day, so I feel really good about this business. It's nice to do something that helps people in exchange for their money.
We moved out of my parent's place a few months ago and have a nice house we're renting. Not perfect, mind you, but it's a nice neighborhood where I don't have to constantly worry about having to hire a lawyer because I shot one of my neighbors who was over 'visiting' at 3 AM. That and I don't live next to north African drug dealers or work for smugglers. Life is nice when one can feel safe.
But, I still pack heat. If you want to FEEL safe, carry a rabbit's foot. If you want to BE safe, get training, get licensed and carry a pistol :)
A few months ago, we also had the latest addition to our family. She was born just a tad premature, but had zero complications, in fact she quickly caught up to other babies in terms of weight, amazing our pediatrician.
As far as the gender problems go, that has been interesting as well. Right up to the birth of our new daughter, I had big problems with it. Once she was born, they actually went away for a couple months completely. I'm not sure if it was the parental instinct that tossed the issues aside, or the drop in testosterone (and there was a measurable drop).
But, unfortunately, the issues crept back in eventually. I am now pretty much back where I was before the baby was born, but with no real support from anybody. I'm afraid to talk about it much because I know Avril is hurt by it and would rather it all just go away. I know she loves and cares, but she can only take so much.
As far as religion goes, I have been very hesitant to share with my bishop here because my last bishop just quit talking to me when I shared all of this with him. I guess it was just too much for him to digest.
Instead of dealing with this as a psychological issue, I've decided to continue approaching it as a medical issue. I've found a really accepting doctor who has decided to check into the physical anomalies I have (gynecomastia, lack of sense of smell, hypogonadotropic hypogonadism) much more aggressively than my last doctor.
We've checked all of the hormone levels once again, and T is even lower than it was before. FSH and LH (the chemicals that tell the testes to make T) are also lower. So, the problem must be in the brain.
He decided to check prolactin levels as well as order an MRI of the brain to check for anomalies. His big concern is that there could be something deadly wrong, and he wants to rule it out. Maybe they'll find something along the way to checking on that-- I shared all of the research Zoe Brain has compiled, and he thinks there's definitely something to it all, and that we should research and test this further.
Honestly, I'm not sure where exactly I'm heading with this. I know for sure that I don't want to talk to anybody in the mental health profession, because I don't think there's anything mentally wrong. It's physical, and I shouldn't have to go pretend to be crazy for treatment. Plus, the only treatment they can offer is transition, and I'm not sure that transition is the solution for me personally.
There's also the religious counselors out there who will think they can "cure" my ailments with various forms of reparative therapy, religious rites and other stuff that hasn't worked in the past. I refuse to go down that road again.
Maybe once I have all of the physical answers together, I will have a clearer picture of where I need to go (or not go) with my treatment.
More here as there is more to talk about....
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Moved
Well we are now all moved and now I am living with my in-laws. It could be worse, I could be living with my parents. Things kind of suck but that is always how it is when you don't have your own place. I hope we aren't here to long.
We did however get really blessed by moving when we did. We had decided not to tell Jen's work we were moving just yet because we were doing it during her vacation time for Christmas any ways. She was still doing some work for them over the holidays because it was one of those jobs that is really easy to do over the internet, until they tried to mess us over good. First they tell her they are putting her on hourly instead of the salary she was getting AND they made it retroactive for the last pay check (that is illegal by the way). Then after that they stopped giving her the information she needed to get her work done. She even called the boss to tell him that she is not receiving what she needs to get things done and the boss didn't fix that. So she was pretty much laid off without them telling her and with out any cause. So if we hadn't moved when we did we would have been stuck in on place and all of our stuff in another.
It would have really messed us up bad. But thanks to inspiration we were able to ease the effects. Things could have been much worse for us. Not to say that things are great, but they aren't as bad as they could have been.
Poor Jen still has it pretty bad. Her parents don't accept that she is female and will even go as far as denying that there were clues when she was young and that they have been told about it. They would rather just ignore the whole subject. So she has a hard time with getting her female time in as long as we live with her parents.
Jen has started working on building up a business and I hope it really takes off soon so that we can get out of her parents home and get one of our own. I also hope I find a way to make some money on my crafts. I think we just might make it out of this one.
We did however get really blessed by moving when we did. We had decided not to tell Jen's work we were moving just yet because we were doing it during her vacation time for Christmas any ways. She was still doing some work for them over the holidays because it was one of those jobs that is really easy to do over the internet, until they tried to mess us over good. First they tell her they are putting her on hourly instead of the salary she was getting AND they made it retroactive for the last pay check (that is illegal by the way). Then after that they stopped giving her the information she needed to get her work done. She even called the boss to tell him that she is not receiving what she needs to get things done and the boss didn't fix that. So she was pretty much laid off without them telling her and with out any cause. So if we hadn't moved when we did we would have been stuck in on place and all of our stuff in another.
It would have really messed us up bad. But thanks to inspiration we were able to ease the effects. Things could have been much worse for us. Not to say that things are great, but they aren't as bad as they could have been.
Poor Jen still has it pretty bad. Her parents don't accept that she is female and will even go as far as denying that there were clues when she was young and that they have been told about it. They would rather just ignore the whole subject. So she has a hard time with getting her female time in as long as we live with her parents.
Jen has started working on building up a business and I hope it really takes off soon so that we can get out of her parents home and get one of our own. I also hope I find a way to make some money on my crafts. I think we just might make it out of this one.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
More changes
Things change to fast some times. I went from thinking we were going to stay where we are for about a year or so to moving this week. Yeah, neck break speed. All of this just when I think things are settling down for us.
For now my problems have taken center stage because they have started causing some problems with the pregnancy. The stress has started some really bad cramping and if it continues I have a good chance of going into preterm labor. This wouldn't be the first time I have gone into preterm labor. It happened when I was pregnant with my son. It is kind of nice to know that the people in my life care about me so much. Jen's family is the most helpful, they are really concerned and want us to move back so they can help me. They are doing what ever they can to help us move.
I started reading a really good book to help me over come some of my abuse problems and I would suggest it to any one. It is a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, it is called "Bad Childhood, Good Life." It has been very helpful. She makes a lot of good points and really makes you think about things. She also points out that going to therapy is not for every one and in a lot of cases it does more harm than good. I know for me it would never work out. The more I talk about what happened the more it hurts, so why would I want to talk about it every week? Dr. Laura talks a lot about these kinds of things in her book. I would suggest reading it to pretty much any one. It isn't just for people who have been beaten or sexually abused. It is for anyone who has had an unhappy childhood.
I am still working on getting past every thing. But I feel like I am on the right track now. I am not going to just be a survivor, I am going to be a victor. Yes, it is a BIG difference. Just think about it for a little bit. You can survive just about any thing, but that doesn't mean you come out on top. The point is to come out on top. You don't want to survive a fight you want to win it. You fight to win not to survive. This is true of any thing in life. You don't want to survive your problems, you want to beat them.
The cool part is the stuff that I have been learning about getting past my problems has really helped Jen with her problems as well. You can take a lot of these things and apply it to dealing with gender identity issues. You don't want to just survive the problems that come with it, you want to come out on top of them. I would actually suggest that you read the book I talked about a little earlier. It is really easy to apply it to your own set of problems. We can all be conquerors if we want to be.
For now my problems have taken center stage because they have started causing some problems with the pregnancy. The stress has started some really bad cramping and if it continues I have a good chance of going into preterm labor. This wouldn't be the first time I have gone into preterm labor. It happened when I was pregnant with my son. It is kind of nice to know that the people in my life care about me so much. Jen's family is the most helpful, they are really concerned and want us to move back so they can help me. They are doing what ever they can to help us move.
I started reading a really good book to help me over come some of my abuse problems and I would suggest it to any one. It is a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, it is called "Bad Childhood, Good Life." It has been very helpful. She makes a lot of good points and really makes you think about things. She also points out that going to therapy is not for every one and in a lot of cases it does more harm than good. I know for me it would never work out. The more I talk about what happened the more it hurts, so why would I want to talk about it every week? Dr. Laura talks a lot about these kinds of things in her book. I would suggest reading it to pretty much any one. It isn't just for people who have been beaten or sexually abused. It is for anyone who has had an unhappy childhood.
I am still working on getting past every thing. But I feel like I am on the right track now. I am not going to just be a survivor, I am going to be a victor. Yes, it is a BIG difference. Just think about it for a little bit. You can survive just about any thing, but that doesn't mean you come out on top. The point is to come out on top. You don't want to survive a fight you want to win it. You fight to win not to survive. This is true of any thing in life. You don't want to survive your problems, you want to beat them.
The cool part is the stuff that I have been learning about getting past my problems has really helped Jen with her problems as well. You can take a lot of these things and apply it to dealing with gender identity issues. You don't want to just survive the problems that come with it, you want to come out on top of them. I would actually suggest that you read the book I talked about a little earlier. It is really easy to apply it to your own set of problems. We can all be conquerors if we want to be.
Monday, December 13, 2010
What a load of crap
The past week has been hell and this week hasn't started off any better. My parents have for some reason decided to start talking about my brother a heck of a lot. So I called them on it and my mom decided that she never wants to talk to me again because 'I just can't get over it.' So then I decided to call her to try and get her to understand and she told me that I need to get over it and that she had gone through a similar thing as a child. But she dealt with it all on her own and that is what I should do and stop bugging her with it. After all she got over it why can't I? Well after this little talk with her it has become apparent to me that she hasn't dealt with it at all she is just in another form of denial about the whole thing. Every thing I have looked at about dealing with sexual abuse the people that have truly gotten past it want nothing more than to help others get past it. They want to help heal others of these deep wounds. Her she just wants to put her fingers in her ears and hum loudly.
My dad kept saying that it couldn't have been that bad. So I finally told him in graphic detail what my brother did to me. That was very hard for me, it was the first time I had ever done that. But he still thinks that if I go get some therapy things will be fine rather quickly. I will admit I need to get some professional help but it will still take time.
So both of my parents want to be able to talk about my brother when ever they want even when I am around. I am just not to the point of being able to handle that right now. Why can't they understand that? I have not asked them to disown him or anything like that. I even told them I don't want them to disown him, I just want them to respect my wishes and stop trying to force me. I would also like it if they would own up to the things they did wrong. They could have done things to prevent this and they didn't. For starters they never really taught me about private parts and who was allowed and who wasn't allowed to touch. Then they could have talked to him about not touching his sisters and if he did what would happen to him. Those are the two big things.
I am very hurt that my mother feels that she has to choose one or the other and I'll admit I am even more hurt that she decided to choose my abuser over me. I didn't want her to have to make that choice, but she decided to make it any ways. All I wanted was for them to not talk about him for now. As much pain as this causes me, I am glad I said something. It has made it so that my parents have to deal with this. They now cannot just pretend it never happened. It is something we all have to work through.
Never be afraid to speak up. If you don't stand up for yourself no one else will. No one can help you if no one knows you need help. Some times the cost of speaking up is high but it will always be worth it in the long run. I know I have a lot of things to work out, but I will survive. I have my spouse, kids, and my in-laws to help me. I hope to start some kind of therapy soon as well. I am sure if you look you will find your support as well. You are never alone.
My dad kept saying that it couldn't have been that bad. So I finally told him in graphic detail what my brother did to me. That was very hard for me, it was the first time I had ever done that. But he still thinks that if I go get some therapy things will be fine rather quickly. I will admit I need to get some professional help but it will still take time.
So both of my parents want to be able to talk about my brother when ever they want even when I am around. I am just not to the point of being able to handle that right now. Why can't they understand that? I have not asked them to disown him or anything like that. I even told them I don't want them to disown him, I just want them to respect my wishes and stop trying to force me. I would also like it if they would own up to the things they did wrong. They could have done things to prevent this and they didn't. For starters they never really taught me about private parts and who was allowed and who wasn't allowed to touch. Then they could have talked to him about not touching his sisters and if he did what would happen to him. Those are the two big things.
I am very hurt that my mother feels that she has to choose one or the other and I'll admit I am even more hurt that she decided to choose my abuser over me. I didn't want her to have to make that choice, but she decided to make it any ways. All I wanted was for them to not talk about him for now. As much pain as this causes me, I am glad I said something. It has made it so that my parents have to deal with this. They now cannot just pretend it never happened. It is something we all have to work through.
Never be afraid to speak up. If you don't stand up for yourself no one else will. No one can help you if no one knows you need help. Some times the cost of speaking up is high but it will always be worth it in the long run. I know I have a lot of things to work out, but I will survive. I have my spouse, kids, and my in-laws to help me. I hope to start some kind of therapy soon as well. I am sure if you look you will find your support as well. You are never alone.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
AHHH!!!
Some days I just want to rip all of my hair out and today has been one of those days so far. My mom has been having a lot of back problems and is now wanting to die and to top it all off she is in complete denial of what my brother did to me and my sisters. Thanksgiving she started talking all about how much my son is like the a-hole. My son is nothing like him.
My grandmother called today and started talking about him as well. She was saying how much he is her little baby and always will be. Well she wouldn't be saying that if she knew what he did.
I have also had some self-esteem issues lately as well. It is one of those things that started when I was young. My parents like to point out my faults and never really told me I was pretty. They still do it as well. So I often feel ugly, fat, and unworthy of the love I get. Something that made it worse was on Facebook a "friend" told me that I look like the baby is ready to pop out. I am only 24 weeks along and this is my third that has gone this far along. So I feel pretty crappy.
As for things with Jen well, this is the only place that I refer to her as Jen or even recognize her as female. It is just something I am still not 100% comfortable with yet and with her staying mostly male in this life it is kind of hard to come to terms with. Not only that she still hasn't come to terms with everything herself so it makes it that much harder for me. We try not to worry to much about things and the next life, but it is something that is always there in the back of our heads. I still love her dearly and I am grateful to have someone like her to help me with the hard times.
I am so glad that we decided to make this baby our last. I know I could not do another one and survive it. I may survive physically but mentally I would lose it. I am having a hard enough time with this one. I am sooooo unstable it is craziness. I have to work really hard not to just blow up at people over stupid things. The crazy part is I know that it is stupid but it I still feel very angry or hurt over it. Somethings are a bit bigger and do warrant that kind of a reaction. But it is still hard to keep my cool.
So now that I feel a little better now that I was able to get some of it out, I think I will go have some chocolate and relax a bit.
My grandmother called today and started talking about him as well. She was saying how much he is her little baby and always will be. Well she wouldn't be saying that if she knew what he did.
I have also had some self-esteem issues lately as well. It is one of those things that started when I was young. My parents like to point out my faults and never really told me I was pretty. They still do it as well. So I often feel ugly, fat, and unworthy of the love I get. Something that made it worse was on Facebook a "friend" told me that I look like the baby is ready to pop out. I am only 24 weeks along and this is my third that has gone this far along. So I feel pretty crappy.
As for things with Jen well, this is the only place that I refer to her as Jen or even recognize her as female. It is just something I am still not 100% comfortable with yet and with her staying mostly male in this life it is kind of hard to come to terms with. Not only that she still hasn't come to terms with everything herself so it makes it that much harder for me. We try not to worry to much about things and the next life, but it is something that is always there in the back of our heads. I still love her dearly and I am grateful to have someone like her to help me with the hard times.
I am so glad that we decided to make this baby our last. I know I could not do another one and survive it. I may survive physically but mentally I would lose it. I am having a hard enough time with this one. I am sooooo unstable it is craziness. I have to work really hard not to just blow up at people over stupid things. The crazy part is I know that it is stupid but it I still feel very angry or hurt over it. Somethings are a bit bigger and do warrant that kind of a reaction. But it is still hard to keep my cool.
So now that I feel a little better now that I was able to get some of it out, I think I will go have some chocolate and relax a bit.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Up and down and back agian
Things have been going very crazy. Some days I just want to rip my hair out, throw my hands up and scream! This pregnancy has not be easy. My hormones are just running crazy. And with a past like mine it really adds to the mix. I already had problems with my emotions.
Jen and I have been having problems as well with her gender stuff. It has been really crazy. The thing that had me very worried was, how is going to be for us in the next life? Will we still be together? Or will we be pulled apart? I just don't know what will happen. But then I decided that I need to just enjoy what I have now. I can't worry about things that I have no clue about and have no real way of knowing. It is all a matter of faith.
As for my problems, I keep getting very very very depressed. It gets to the point that I can't really pull myself out. I need more help. Thankfully Jen has been so understanding. We had a really good talk about some of my problems and finding out what they really are. It helps when you know what is wrong. Now the problem is fixing it.
One of my problems is that I was not raised with a good self image at all. It has been one of those things when Jen tells me how sexy or beautiful I am I smile but in the back of my head I am thinking "yeah right, your just saying that to get something." I have a hard time really believing it. When I was a kid my parents never really told me I was beautiful but they would point out my faults. My mom would tell me I had a big nose and my dad would tell me how fat I was. Just so you know, when I was 18 I was 5'4" and was about 120-125 lbs and I did work out almost every day. But to my dad I was still fat. He would have liked it better if I was about 110.
How do you fix that kind of thing now? How can I get a better self image now? Is it some thing you can change later in life? Or is it something you must learn at a young age and if you don't are you just messed over? I guess these are questions I am going to have to work through. If you have any suggestions feel free to share.
Jen and I have been having problems as well with her gender stuff. It has been really crazy. The thing that had me very worried was, how is going to be for us in the next life? Will we still be together? Or will we be pulled apart? I just don't know what will happen. But then I decided that I need to just enjoy what I have now. I can't worry about things that I have no clue about and have no real way of knowing. It is all a matter of faith.
As for my problems, I keep getting very very very depressed. It gets to the point that I can't really pull myself out. I need more help. Thankfully Jen has been so understanding. We had a really good talk about some of my problems and finding out what they really are. It helps when you know what is wrong. Now the problem is fixing it.
One of my problems is that I was not raised with a good self image at all. It has been one of those things when Jen tells me how sexy or beautiful I am I smile but in the back of my head I am thinking "yeah right, your just saying that to get something." I have a hard time really believing it. When I was a kid my parents never really told me I was beautiful but they would point out my faults. My mom would tell me I had a big nose and my dad would tell me how fat I was. Just so you know, when I was 18 I was 5'4" and was about 120-125 lbs and I did work out almost every day. But to my dad I was still fat. He would have liked it better if I was about 110.
How do you fix that kind of thing now? How can I get a better self image now? Is it some thing you can change later in life? Or is it something you must learn at a young age and if you don't are you just messed over? I guess these are questions I am going to have to work through. If you have any suggestions feel free to share.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Not as easy as you think
I know some days I may make accepting Jennifer for who she is sound like it was an easy thing for me. Truth be told it hasn't been easy for me. It has been very hard indeed. But as hard as accepting maybe, being without her would be harder.
Love is the stronger than just about any thing. It has been one of the many things that have kept Jennifer and I together. She has been so good to me I could never do without her. Some times we can't help but joke about it and well as they say "the best kind of man is a woman."
I just found some thing out that is very sad for me. My parents have been married for about 28 years and one of a few reasons my mom hasn't left my dad is, well she feels stuck. She feels like she has no other options open to her. If you have lived with my dad you would understand what a jerk he is. He is a person that has no respect for women at all. The sad part is he has 4 daughters including me. So I feel very blessed with what I have. Even when Jennifer thought she was a man she was very respectful and kind. Her father has a great respect for women and made darn sure all of his sons learned that (he still doesn't fully understand that Jennifer is not a guy, but that's another story).
So even with things being as hard as they are they could be worse. I don't feel like I am stuck with her. I may feel that way at times but never for long. Jennifer means so much to me. I can never see myself without her no matter how bad things may seem at times. Love is a wonderful thing.
Love is the stronger than just about any thing. It has been one of the many things that have kept Jennifer and I together. She has been so good to me I could never do without her. Some times we can't help but joke about it and well as they say "the best kind of man is a woman."
I just found some thing out that is very sad for me. My parents have been married for about 28 years and one of a few reasons my mom hasn't left my dad is, well she feels stuck. She feels like she has no other options open to her. If you have lived with my dad you would understand what a jerk he is. He is a person that has no respect for women at all. The sad part is he has 4 daughters including me. So I feel very blessed with what I have. Even when Jennifer thought she was a man she was very respectful and kind. Her father has a great respect for women and made darn sure all of his sons learned that (he still doesn't fully understand that Jennifer is not a guy, but that's another story).
So even with things being as hard as they are they could be worse. I don't feel like I am stuck with her. I may feel that way at times but never for long. Jennifer means so much to me. I can never see myself without her no matter how bad things may seem at times. Love is a wonderful thing.
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